13 August 2019

Head High, Drama Low

I have chosen to use an image of myself for today's post, as a reminder, that even with all of the highs and lows of the last month, I'm still capable of rocking my smile.

I haven't written a post in so long, I thought I may have forgotten my login details. Spoiler alert, I didn't.

Whoever said it was easier to find a job, whilst in your current one, clearly does not work for my company. Finding the time to speak to people, let alone apply or interview has been full time work in itself. It's also a very overwhelming process. On top of that, there's dealing with the disappointment of not getting jobs that I've interviewed for. That was difficult to deal with, as it made me feel a little rejected and for a minute like I wasn't good enough. Some companies have been nice and given feedback as to why I was unsuccessful. Some have just given radio silence. Some will only consider you, if you have experience in that particular industry or role, which can make changing careers a little daunting. Job searching this time round has been a real eye opener. But I'm doing my best to remain positive, that something great will come my way soon.....so watch this space. Below are a few things I learned whilst looking for a new job...

1) Monotony - Lets be real, job hunting can be super boring. Applying for job after job, especially if you are not getting any results can make you want to punch your laptop. Try uploading you CV to some of the main job boards, so at least employers can see you, when searching for candidates.

2) Alerts - Set up alerts for the type of roles you're looking. That way roles you may be interested in can be emailed to you. The 5 I like to use are:
  • Total Jobs 
  • Reed
  • CV Library 
  • Indeed 
  • Monster 

3) Linkedin - If you don't already have a Linkedin Profile...get one. Its great for looking for jobs, following companies and keeping up to date with whats going on the employment world. 

4) Job Specs - Really read through these, to understand if its a job you definitely want. Take note of whats required from you, but also what the company offer. Finding a job is not solely about what you can do for a company, your best interests  and well being matter too.

5) Discouragement - The most important one of all. Trust me, its easy to become discouraged, when you're not hearing back from people and you start to panic. We all have bills to pay, so not getting responses can start to weigh heavily on us and this can draw you into a negative head space. Try to remain positive. Even as I'm writing this post I don't have another job to go to. But I'm keeping my head up and having faith that it will work out. 

As the above has left me rather.....lets say a little discombobulated, I've been spending more of my time out socialising with friends. Which, don't get me wrong has been great for a laugh and giving me a multiple sounding boards, but little less great the morning after. However despite the 6pm Prosecco runs, I've made time for a couple of other things

I sure as hell made the time go and see Fast & Furious: Hobbs and Shaw - 😍 Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham and Idris Elba, all on the same screen, now that's what I call a dream team. I mean not literally obviously, as Idris played the baddie (and a damn good one at that) But minus the perving on the 3 hotties, I enjoyed the plot and all of the action. My friend that I went to see it with did not agree, so needless to say we are no longer friends. Just Kidding. Kind of πŸ˜… Those of you that know me, are aware that I like a cinema trip. If you get the chance to visit an Everyman Cinema - I highly recommend it.

If you are ever in the Kings Cross area drop into Granary Square. There are soooooo many  Bars and Restaurants to check out that you would not even know are there. To name a couple....

Little Creatures - Little Creature - They have an onsite brewery. Obviously I had prosecco, but my friend tried one of their beers and didn't complain. Which says a lot...lol

The Lighterman - The Lighterman - Located in a beautifully shaped building with seating inside and out, across 2 floors over looking the square. They do one of the best Calamari's I've had in some time and a mean lamb chop. Good for chilling with friends or date night.


We also caught the end of opera performance and went to the opening of  Samsung KX. Now I'm team iphone all day, but this store is definitely worth visiting. Its in a weirdly shaped building (weird in a good way) and is more like an experience than a shop. You could try your hand at VR car racing, electronic spray painting, play video games in mock living room, and test out new speakers. I believe there was even a photo booth. They had a TV that cost £350K (in case anyone needs an idea for my next birthday) and lots of other cool stuff .

I've also currently started reading a new book "The Fix" by David Baldacci and I can honestly say, I am hooked already. I wont spoil it by telling you whats happened so far, but you can already tell, "looks can be deceiving" is going to be the biggest point of this book.

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow πŸ’“

16 July 2019

Fight or Flight

Today being the 1st of July (Well it was when I first started writing this post) can only mean one thing....

Photo by Ty Williams on Unsplash

There are now only 177 days, until I have to leave a note, explaining to Santa that there are no cookies left out for him because, quite frankly I don't share. To be fair he does most of his work in one night, so he's probably better of with a protein shake.

The 1st of July, officially signifies that we're half way through the year. 6 months ago, half of us we're cramming in those last wedges of Christmas cake, washing it  down with eggnog, whilst online shopping for running shoes and kettle bells. I didn't make any resolutions this year as I'm shit at sticking to them. Instead I made a pact with myself to simply make the effort  to live a better life. I'm happy to report, the pact didn't fall to shit by the 2nd Jan. I've achieved more than a couple of things in the first 6 months of 2019 that I'm super proud of

Photo by Gabriela Gutierrez on Unsplash

  • Dry Jan & Dry Feb 🀯
  • Started My Blog πŸ’“
  • Indoor wall climbing (without harnesses) 😨
  • Went to Geneva πŸ˜„
  • Started a skin care regime πŸ‘Œ
  • Realising the importance of Self-Love πŸ‘
  • Tried some new recipes πŸ˜‹

Obviously there are still things that I want/need to work on (like burning off this extra layer of "Thermal Muscle" surrounding my mid section) but I'm proud of the progress I have made so far. 

That's how the month started.....

By the 11th of July, things kind of turned on their ass. I fell into a mental health black hole. I was at home buried under a dark cloud of depression for 6 days. Honestly, I should've seen it coming. Over the last 10 weeks, I've been on an emotional roller coaster that would give Thorpe Park a run for its money. I've been stressed out, overly worried, exhausted and unhappy. Rather than taking the time out to process all of the things I already had going on, I just kept piling more on. I kept telling myself  "Push through it, it will be okay" or "Other people cope with shit going on, why cant you?" or  "There isn't time to deal with this now" The irony in the last one, is that I didn't think I had the time to look after myself. Cue The Mind Fuck twins stepping in to say "Bitch, I'm here, to make you, make time" and true to form I had to take a week off of work, to spend some time looking after myself.

That meant having to tell my job exactly what was going on. Which was scary as hell. You never know how people are going to take it when you tell them something like that. Will they judge me? Will they understand it? Will they tell other people? Will they look at me differently? Will they think I just need to pull myself together? Will they think I'm weak or lesser of a person? Telling them increased my vulnerability and made me worry more. Because essentially you take a risk, when telling people about your mental health. Especially work. Legally, they have to support you, but it doesn't take away the stigma that can sometimes be left in their minds. But I didn't want to lie to them and thankfully my workplace were supportive. They offered me counselling if needed and emphasized that I wasn't alone and that they would do whatever they could to support me throughout this time. I still worry that people will look at me differently, but that's something I need to get over. Anyone judging me for my state of mental health, is not someone  important enough for me to worry about their opinion.

The first few days, my mind was chaotic but I also felt completely numb. I was feeling quite defenseless. I've been doing my best to push away fear and doubt and yet they seemed to be surrounding me like the army of the dead surrounded Winterfell. I became so anxious I was making myself nauseous. My emotions were all over the place and I was beating myself up over that fact that I had let it get this bad. I was torn between wanting to give up on trying and wanting to fight. Thanks to some encouraging words from some lovely friends and family members,  my inner badass rocked up, told my weakness "Bye Felicia" and resumed its duties of upholding my strength.

As much as I didn't think I had the time to spare to look after myself, I'm glad I took the week off. It gave me the opportunity to take everything off of my plate and really look at what actually needed to go back on. It allowed me re-group and remember what I was trying to accomplish and what I was trying to fuck right off. By Thursday I was able to do a workout and get out into the garden to read a book. By Friday, I was in a better state of mind,  for when my Brother from Another Mother Prince πŸ’™ came to visit me. We sat chatting for hours and it was  really helpful. By Saturday I was able to go food shopping.

I read a quote that said "Don't focus on the staircase, focus on the step in front of you"

That resonated with me. I've been panicking about finding a new job, as I finish up my current one in 6 weeks. I've been rather unhappy, with it and feel that unhappiness has spilled into the rest of my life. So I've taken a leap of faith and decided to walk away. Of course, I'm shit scared! I don't have another job to go to...yet! But, this particular role (and I must stress its not the people, most of them are actually really lovely. okay half of them...lol) is stressful and draining in ways that it doesn't need to be. I'm excited about the prospect of finding something new. I have to keep reminding myself to be positive about the future and not let fear of not finding something eat away at me. Also, its a great opportunity to try something new. Maybe a totally different role or industry. The truth is apart from a steady wage and not seeing certain people everyday, I don't regret my decision. So onwards and upwards. Here's to taking a chance on myself. 

Moral of the story.... 

Make time for yourself. Nothing else will matter if you don't. They say you cant pour from an empty cup. You cant do anything with a broken one. I knew I should've taken time out, but I got so caught up with keeping things ticking over, with every new task or situation  I took on, I pushed myself further to the back of the line. This is "NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR" As of today, 16th July, I have slowed down but importantly I've calmed down. I've been doing more things that are beneficial for my well-being. Like what? you ask. I started watching some TED talks ( I KNOW, I'm super late) on looking after myself, have been listening to more jazz, watching a little less TV, applying for jobs without panic and eating a little better. I've also put myself on a teeny tiny booze ban. No, I'm not worried that I'll get through the worlds supply of Prosecco by the next world cup. It's more about better mental clarity & balanced blood sugars. Plus, its only for a week or so.

I'd like to give a shout out to my pal Linz. I met her at my last company and she lives is South Africa, so I only get to see her a couple of times a year (Or whenever someone can convince Brendan to pay for her ticket 🀣). I didn't realise she kept up with my blog.  A few weeks ago she sent me the most heart warming message, telling me that not only did she love my blog, that she found it helpful and  looked forward to new posts. She advised me to continue the great work. It meant the world to me, that not only had she taken the time out to tell me that, but also that my writing was doing more than just making people laugh. So thank you my darling linz. 😘

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbowπŸ’

25 June 2019

Mini Meltdown, Major Lesson

I started my pursuit of happiness in a bid to live my best life. 

Photo by Steve Harvey on Unsplash

I knew the journey would be more like a marathon than a sprint. However, this is feeling more like a Triathlon. If swimming was the first stage, cycling was the second and running was the third, I'm at the 'My arms are getting tired part of the swim, but we still have another 50 laps to go' stage.

Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash
I want to say its more difficult that I assumed it would    be. But I think in actuality, I just had more to work  through than I thought. There are numerous distracting   factors, that I didn't even consider, would have an impact.  I figured all I had to do was to start trying new things, change my bad habits and everything would fall into place. In reality I was about to gain some insight into the  hurdles that would present themselves, along the way. 

  • Unhappiness - I've written about  how unhappy I've actually felt and the mask of happiness that I wear on a daily basis to cover it up. I seem to have worn it so well, I even fooled myself. 

  • The Mind Fuck Twins - Anxiety & Depression are still playing their part in slowing down my progress and throwing me off  track. Fair play, I always manage to pick myself up and dust myself off, but it's very time consuming to always be correcting my path. However, it also serves as a learning curve in how to keep fighting. As inconvenient as it can be, it plays its part in making me stronger.  I learn new ways of coping, as well as different things that can trigger me. I'm also learning to listen to my mind a little bit more each time, when it tells me to take a minute for myself.

  • Self-love - I have previously spoken about how oblivious I've been, to the fact that I haven't entertained self-love enough. It's a lot harder than I anticipated to elevate this up to the level it should be at. I've spent a lot of my life, not realising how little value I put on my self-worth, so understandably, its going to take a while to undo. But undo it we must!
  • Negative Thinking / Fear - These 2 are probably the worst of them all. They effect all of the above. A little sprinkle of either one,  can trigger 1 if not all 3 of the other obstacles. These 2 probably take the most work to overcome. Fighting that little voice that says “You can’t do this” or “ You’re not good enough” 

In light of all of the above, its not been all doom and gloom. Experiencing the difficulties of the above are all apart of the graft needed to live my best life. Because living my best life doesn't mean there are no sad, mad or bad days. Its pushing through those days to get back to enjoying the good. It's making mistakes and bad decisions. Its going from being in a bad place and not being able to get out of bed to being a good place and watching Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle whilst eating chocolate covered pretzels giggling my ass off. Its feeling overwhelmed and stressed out by upcoming decisions, but still remembering to laugh. Its worrying about a situation that could already be out of my hands, but still reading my book on the train home.

When in a place of darkness it can be hard to see the light. But so far, no matter how much darkness has surrounded me, the light always manages to gets through. Obviously I worry that one day, the light may become dull. But in 36 years, that bitch has always found a way to shine bright like a diamond. 

I have a lot on my plate to figure out right now. Some things are confusing. Some are exciting Some are scary. But all are for the greater good. I have no idea what the future holds. What I do know, is that life is too short to spend it unhappy, especially if you can avoid it. So here's to being happy. Because why would you want to be anything else. So with that in mind, I'm going to give a  shout out to a few things that have made me happy over the last week.....

1. Dinerama - Went for dinner with my boys. Had some great food. There is so much on offer that I didn't even get around to tryinf. Sooooo, if anyone fancies a trip over there, count me in.

2. Sunshine Blogger Award - Feel so lucky to have been nominated for award this by 2 lovely bloggers Chloe Fry  and Time to Talk (will try and get a post done for this very soon) as well as The Liebster Award  (Check out my previous post)

3. Cooking - Made my BBQ lamb ribs on Saturday. The fact that there are no pictures of them, tells you how fast they got eaten.

4. What If - If you haven’t yet see this series on Netflix, watch it. Renee Zellwegger, is no Bridget Jones in this show.

5. Funny Memes - I pinned some shit on Pinterest this week that almost made me die laughing

6. Meditation - I seriously LOVE the calm app. Headspace is also really good app to use.

7. Miles Davis - Listening to this guy with John Coltrane at the Olympia Theatre, Paris on you-tube. Mood Booster Music!  I'm talking 'dancing round my kitchen like I'm the one playing the Sax' good music. 

Photo by Randalyn Hill on Unsplash
So let me end this post by sending out loads of loving vibes, happy thoughts and positive energy. 

Have a great day, remember you're a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbowπŸ’–