Loving ourselves (and no I'm not talking masturbation...lol) should come as naturally to us, as breathing. But the truth is, for some.....it simply doesn't.
|Photo by Susan Kirsch on Unsplash|
For some, it takes putting in work to realise, that the person you should love first, is the one looking back at you in the mirror. For some of us, believing in ourselves takes a dedicated effort. Now that be could down to a number of things. One of the reasons could be, never being taught how much you're actually worth. Another could be, constantly being told that your were nothing or would never amount to anything. If like me, you had someone in your life who, even though they loved you and had your back, still took any opportunity they could, to remind you that you were nothing (especially compared to others) and wouldn't end up being anything good, you that hearing that on a regular basis, can mess with your self-worth and slowly become your new belief system. The crazy thing is, because this person was such a great part of my life and looked after me, I didn't understand the negative impact this behaviour had on my self-esteem, which is probably why it took me so long to see the long term effects. Now don't get it twisted, I'm not blaming her, to be honest I think she was just old school and didn't know any better. No matter what happened in the past, the best thing you can do for yourself, is to acknowledge what happened (maybe let that person know the impact they had on you if possible) but then you need to channel your inner Elsa and "Let it Go" so that you can move on to save yourself, because in the end, that’s the most important part. Making yourself whole again.
In our younger years, we have no idea what our older years will look like. But in our older years, we have the luxury of not only seeing how, experiences have impacted us (positively or negatively) we can also look back at our own behaviours. I’m not perfect - I've stopped trying to be. I've stopped trying to get hold of something that is so unobtainable. Instead, I'm trying to be a better me, because that's where my happiness lies. I'm still making mistakes (sometimes the same ones 🙈) but I'm making the effort to take lessons from them. The fact that I'm more focused on healing from the negative behaviour, rather than blaming it on others, is proof that my journey is working.....slowly yes, but working!
This is my first post in a few months, because like loads of you,I've been experiencing, the uncertainty of the whole COVID-19 madness and its left me in a bit of chaotic state, which has kinda flushed my motivation to write down the toilet. The good days, the bad days, the cooking up a storm days, the spending a months rent on take away's and amazon, the not knowing if I'll lose my job or if we'll have a second wave. All I can say is thank goodness for my Calm -Meditation app, coz when things get really out of hand in my head, eventually I always revert back to it for peace.
As we are now seeing the easing of lockdown and the number of people dying decreasing, we're getting a better picture of the new normal. Masks being worn everywhere (which I totally understand, my lipstick however does not). Social distancing in public - well.....unless your in the pub, beach or protesting. More places are starting to re-open, which means more people are not only getting there livelihoods back but people are getting other people back. We are no longer as constricted in regards to being able to be around our loved ones and that's probably the best part of coming out of the other side of this. Having a better appreciation of being able to see people, something that we've probably all taken for granted in the past.
Now, I'd love to be able to report that during lockdown, I built an empire and turned into a bikni model whilst getting a degree in astro physics. Alas, this is not the case. True to form, I started beating myself up over it, until I realised that was not a fight I was going to win. Yes, I wish I'd done more that could be considered productive with the time, but I didn't. What I did do, was spend more time with people (my neighbours) than I would ever have been able to. Building on existing relationships taking them from living next door and sharing the occasional drink to gaining a bigger family that cooked for each other, ate and laughed together, shared sunbathing tips and yes of course drank together. I've been able to read more and take some to simply chillax. I even helped my dad re-vamp our garden - including adding mini gates on both sides, so we nor our neighbours have to drunk climb over the fence. I'm grateful for the comfort of my home and my expanded support system and I'm counting that as an achievement of lockdown. My next achievement, is to find a job as unfortunately I've now been made redundant, which is scary in this current time, but I'm doing my best not to panic, so lets see how that works out.
2020 has been a year like no other. It started with the best of intentions and plans laid out and we've all been completely blind sided by it. But with all of madness and sadness of 2020, we are starting to see the light at the end of it. We have learnt and and survived a lot in the first half of this year. Lets hope we do better with the second half. So for all of you out there still feeling like you are in the thick of your uncertainty, hold on. It won't always be easy and things could get a little rougher, but remember "It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever" Keep fighting to find your fight. Lets all continue to stand together - as we have seen some amazing acts of this over the last few months, because quite frankly, if this pandemic has taught us anything, its that we have no fucking idea whats coming next. Seriously, if the whole cast of monsters inc take over NATO in January, I'm not even gonna bat an eye. So here's to hoping things get better and that the new way to withdraw money from the bank is not by following the plot of Netflix's Money Heist.
Before I sign off (to go and top up one of the things I have been consistent with over the lockdown period....my tan) I'd like to highlight a couple of things.....
#Blacklivesmatter - A movement on par with being as big a controversy as COVID-19. There’s going to be so many opinions on this and everyone is entitled to theirs, whether I agree with it or not. So here’s mine. From what I've been hearing George Floyd did some shit that I definitely do not agree with (pistol whipping a pregnant woman) and no matter of skin colour, anyone that does that I don't care about what happens to you or how you die. Period. However, I support the BLM movement for the Trayvon Martins, Ahmaud Arberrys and Breonna Taylor’s of the world. That shit was fucked up and needs to stop. Killing someone for the colour of their skin is WRONG!!....end of. I stand with anyone trying to make the world understand, how disgusting racism is. Made worse by the fact that no one has been held accountable for these deaths. I stand by the protesters, shedding light on the awful things going on in life that has become so ordinary. But all of you rioters and looters can fuck right off!! You're selfish and drawing attention away from a cause that we need more attention on. Your are not helping us, your are hurting us. I've seen a lot of opinions over the current race situation of recent, some from people I thought were friends showing their true colours and some from people I never knew how much they had black peoples backs. Divide and conquer is a thing and their are certain people promoting and thriving from this. Do Not Forget That!!! But please be clear, as a black woman, I know, not all white people are racist and I’m never going to back that statement. Just like not all black people, have all black peoples best interests at heart. I have seen peoples opinions and comments on social media and will judge for myself who will remain apart of my circle going forward. We may not agree on everything, but if you think racism in any shape or form is okay, we’re done. To those that understand how disgusting it is, I'll see you in the pub soon.
|Pork Belly & Cassava|
|T-Bone Steak with Pepper|
|Chicken & Salmon Dinner|
|Gin & Cloudy Lemon|
|Prawn Red Thai Curry|
|Pina Coloda & Margherita|
|Rosemary Lamb w/Roasted Veg|
|Chocolate Brownies & Cream|
|Whole Roasted Snapper|
|Mexican Street Food|
|Nutella & Strawberry Puff Pa|
|T-bones on the BBQ|
I'm looking forward to getting back to writing. Writing this post has reminded me why I love it. So watch this space, although it may just be about what time I woke up that day....lol
Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💗