So Long 2019

I say it every year, but seriously....... this flew by. It's like I blinked in Dec 2018 and opened my eyes about to go into 2020.

Its seems crazy that in less than 48 hrs, at least 50% of us will be exchanging party clothes for gym wear. We'll be writing the date as 2019, before crossing it out for 2020 for at least... 2 months, whilst sending our easyjet apps into overload booking  holidays.

So as I'm wrapping up the end of another year, I've been looking back over the past 12 months. Looking back at the things I've enjoyed as well as the things I've learned. I've also taken note of the things I'd like to work on next year. Its been a tidal wave of a journey of experiences I never could have dreamed of or could have seen coming. But most importantly its given a sense of optimism for 2020. Great things are going to happen.
I thought I'd jot down a few highlights....

5 Things I'm Grateful for

• My Family
• Visiting Geneva
• Working on myself
• Eating meals with less or no meat
• Re-Kindling friendships and letting go of others

4 Things That Made Me Happy

• Trying Fondue
• Reading more
• Listening to Jazz Music
• Being Nominated for The Liebster Award

3 Things to work on in 2020

• Loving myself
• Yoga & Meditation (I know they're 2 different things, but...its my blog so .. yeah..lol)
• Learning Spanish

2 Things I Regret

• Not travelling as much as I'd have liked
• Overthinking

1 Epic Thing that came from 2019

• My Blog

As I've been stuck at home for whats felt like an eternity, there's not much else that's gone on in my life for me to write about. So I'm going to end this post and this year with a few quotes I've found inspirational. I wish you all loads of Love and loads of Laughs in 2020. May you smile more than you cry. May your focus be on point, your head and heart be at peace and may you be wrapped in a blanket of comfort so that loneliness cannot find its way into your life 😚

                        

Happy New Year Luvlies 

Have a great day, remember you're a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💖

Chicken Liar

Just to be clear, no chickens were lied to in the creating of this post 

A couple of weeks ago, I got to tick another item off  my bucket list. I went to see a my first ever Burlesque show with The Lovely Sabs, Navjit and Side-Eye. I was aware it involved half naked ladies, emanating confidence, whilst busting a move, but had little other insight. After getting lost walking in a circle around Leadenhall Market (only to find out that the place we we’re looking for was pretty much where we started off) we ended up at Grace hall. We were greeted by long red velvet curtains and 2 rather eccentric,  ladies, who were so bright & bubbly they could have made the Grinch smile at the beginning of the film. As we entered we had unicorn dust sprinkled in our hair - which is apparently the new hand stamp and escorted down to bar area to wait until the doors to the main event opened.


You can purchase tickets ranging from standing to VIP Ringside. Our group, went for the VIP show tickets, which for £22 included -  a table just for our group, with a good view of the stage and our own waiter service. We got a lovely waitress, whom when I asked if the popcorn was salty or sweet replied... “Neither”. She advised that one was chicken and one was olive. Consider my mind blow. I mean I’m a huge fan of Walkers Sensations Roast Chicken & Thyme, but chicken flavoured popcorn ......hello 2019. Turns out,  I was wrong about that. The popcorn actually came with pieces of shredded chicken on it, which to me was still worth sampling, so I ordered some. 10 minutes into waiting for my chicken popcorn to arrive, I was given the displeasing news that they were out of chicken and therefore my order had to be cancelled. Now facing the prospect of getting lightly salted popcorn without chicken, I decided that our waitress would now be referred to as  “Chicken Liar”  Which after a bottle of Prosecco is funnier than it may sound. However after 2 bottles and telling her that’s what I'd renamed her, it was hilarious. Especially as she was such a good sport and not only found it funny AF, she agreed based on the lack of chicken for my popcorn that she would indeed  carry the name for the night.

So I settled down with my salty popcorn and  Side Eye ordered her favourite - A cheese platter. Bless her, this girl is never happier than when there's a cheese platter parked in front of her. So with snacks and alcohol at the ready, we were prepared for the show to begin. Now I’m not going to give you a play by play of what happened, you need to see a show first hand to truly enjoy and appreciate it, but I will share a few things that would encourage me to see another show and maybe even take a class.

Highs

• Energetic - The MC  gave so much animation to her performance, that she held the audiences attention the whole way through 

• Dancers - Its not just  women getting up on stage and shaking ass's in their underwear. Some of the moves preformed required the skill and flexibility that goals are made of

• Confidence - There were women of different shapes and sizes, proving sexiness has now boundaries and does not conform to one look. They all wore their confidence, better than their nipple tassels.

• Entertaining - The moves, the lights, the outfits, the performances - all great

Lows

• There weren’t any lows to speak of, however there was a part of one of the acts where one of the ladies pulled a condom through her nose and out of her mouth - I’m in no hurry to see that again. Despite that, this is still a great way to spend girls night or even date night

So my month was off to a good start. Fast forward 72 hours, to me being told by my doctor, that the antibiotics had in fact, not worked and that I needed to head to the hospital as surgery was Inevitable. Considering I’d been in pain for 36 hours prior to this conversation as the abscess had started swelling again, I’d made peace with it, by the time  pre-surgeon had confirmed it would be happening the next day. So after being knocked out for a couple of hours, and waking up to an IV of Fentanyl, surgery was a success and I’m now housebound for at least the next few weeks, whilst I recover, with my only outings being to the GP to endure the whole packing re-packing saga. Thankfully Santa dropped off an early Christmas present in the form of Dihydrocodeine - Which FYI makes you  drowsy as fuck, so I wouldn't suggest taking it for long periods of time  - Especially as you cannot drink whilst taking them. 

I'm disappointed that I'm missing being able to socialise for the most wonderful time of the year, as well as the Starbucks eggnog latte and seeing Frozen 2 in the Cinema (although I did consider buying 2 tickets for a sofa at Everyman so I could lie down to watch it). But its dealing with the feeling of Isolation that's been the biggest challenge. My friends and Family have been great, but being stuck at home for the majority of the day everyday, not even able to sit has been a little hard to deal with. So I'm working on ways to keep my spirits up.  I'm working from home and trying to watch a new Christmas film everyday. Today I watched Rise of The Guardians - LOVE IT. Getting this post out is a reminder that having more time on my hands doesn't have to be all bad. Yes, its difficult, especially for me, who is so used to being around people, but its also helped me to see it from the perspective of other people that may be housebound or just on their own at this time of year or always. I love Christmas and I'm grateful I have family and friends to spend at least parts of it with. But for some people, this is the hardest time of the year. So I want to send out some some Christmas Love to anyone who may be feeling a little extra lonely right now, or anyone that is struggling to deal with life at the moment. My Christmas wish is that you get through it and don't lose your smile 💝

I'm off to continue my Annual  Harry Potter marathon - because whats Christmas time without Harry Potter?

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💖

An Antibiotic Affair

So as the title of today’s post would suggest, I spent last week chomping down on a cocktail of Metronidazole and Clarithromycin 🙄

Photo by analuisa gamboa on Unsplash

Contrary, to how I thought my week would go after surviving what felt like the plague, but was obviously only a viral infection, I’ve been stuck at home in pain thanks to an infected Pilondial abscess. To say that I’m not impressed is am understatement. Mainly, because I don't want another encounter of the surgery I had last year to get it drained.

The surgery itself wasn't a problem. It was my first time under general anaesthetic and I was fascinated by the fact that one minute, I was lying on my side, outside the operating room, with the anaesthesiologist stroking my hand as I counted back from 10 and the next, I was waking up in the recovery room, with a nurse calming me down whilst removing the breathing tube from my mouth. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that there was 2 hour window of my life, I knew absolutely nothing about. All I knew, is that I went in, in pain and came out not in pain. Now, that was partially due to having the abscess drained and partially due to the shit load of morphine they had flowing into my blood stream. Needless to say I could lie on my back for the first time in over 2 week. So I was a happy bunny.

That happiness came to an abrupt end 2 days later, when I had my first experience of  having my wound re-packed. Yes, you read that correctly RE-PACKED. Now bearing in mind, the doctors had explained before surgery, that they would be leaving the wound open to heal from the inside out to avoid further infection. However, there is no explanation on the planet, that can prepare your for the pain inflicted, whilst the nurse proceeded (not her fault BTW), to take out the cotton wool-like material that had been stuffed in my wound in surgery, to then clean it and then re-stuff it. Needless to say, I screamed the hospital down like a newborn, and was reduced to tears once she had finished. Upon leaving the hospital feeling traumatised, it dawned on me that I was about to go through that everyday for at least the next 4 weeks. Cue the tears again.

Even with codeine, those first 2 weeks we're torture. After that, I started  getting used to this invasion  of my body as the wound got smaller and it became less painful. By the time a month had gone by I was down to every other day and then 3 weeks later, it had completely closed. There was no better words uttered, than when the nurse said  “You no longer need to come back" I literally could've kissed her.

With that being said, I still wasn't able to sit for long periods of time, so it was another couple of weeks before I could return to the office to work. Which I was grateful for, as working lying down, is doable, but an inconvenience, as you have to keep switching sides to avoid dead leg, and I couldn't just roll over. I also couldn’t lie on my tummy for too long, as my neck would start to ache. Something I've been reminded of this past week.

Therefore having experienced all of the above, on Sunday night (after rolling over in pain and screaming the house down) I felt a sense of dread at the thought of going through that ordeal again, only 15 months later. Determined to avoid that, I got on the phone to the GP to get an appointment ASAP. Thankfully I got seen Monday morning, to which the doctor advised that it was infected, but it looked like it may have been caught in time and Antibiotics should.....be able to help. He did feel the need to point out, that if they didn’t work, I'd be facing another trip to the hospital to lose another 2 hour window of my life. To which I promptly advised him, to give me every type of drug he could prescribe to avoid that. He laughed.... I did not! He then went on to prescribe me,  Clarithromycin 500mg and Metronidazole 400mg for 7 days. The latter you cannot drink with, which is ironic, because if there is ever a time I'd  wanted a drink, it's whilst waiting to see if the antibiotics would do a superman and fight the infection so that I could avoid a second butt hole again.

Now, you all know how I feel about jinxing shit, but......it would appear, that I may have swerved another opportunity to rock for that beautiful hospital gown, material underwear and compression socks. I'm still not able to completely sit upright, but I am getting there. The protruding lump at the top of my butt crack has shrunken immensely. So shout-out to Sir Alexander Fleming - who Google says invented antibiotics. 

There is the possibility it will burst on its own over the next few days as I have come to the end of the course - which as gross as it sounds, would be helpful as any infection or pus still in the wound, would swiftly vacate my body. But if not, I'll still take it as a good sign that its all cleared and should start to be able to sit for longer periods of time. 

Canadian Breakfast

Hot Chocolate 

I tried testing my ability to to sit today, when I went for brunch, with my  lovely neighbors at Forks & Green. Unfortunately, after a couple of hours, I was back in discomfort. This should subside over the next week though...again, fingers crossed



Thus, my hopes for this week are that this abscess malarky is over and done with, so I can get back to a normal life of yoga, working out (being confined to my house all week, taking antibiotics has seen me eating for comfort rather than survival, leading to an expanded mid-section) and getting back to the office (its funny how you miss being around other people, when you can't) 

I did however, get out yesterday to do half of walk the walk. Nothing like not being able to sit and cabin fever, to get you up and out. I also helped my dad babysit my little bubba's Saturday night and it was lovely to spend time with them #my2favouritepeople

So here's to a better week. As we draw a close on October, let's get ready for a great November. Especially as the eggnog latte, should be in Starbucks soon.

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💗

37 Years Young

So it's official, I'm now 37 😃

Photo by ASHLEY EDWARDS on Unsplash

I actually didn't mind turning 37. I'm grateful to be able to add another year to my life. A luxury not extended to so many.

Upon turning 30, I assumed, by the time I was this close to the big 4 0, I’d at the very least be married and either have or be onto my second child. As it turns out, I'm as far away from that actuality as England is from Australia.

I expected this reality to cause me to feel mountains of dread as I rolled into this birthday. However, I actually feel more at peace with the way life has turned out than I thought possible. I'm filled with  less panic about not walking the path I’d imagined for myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ruling out the husband, 2 kids and pet fish (I’d like to think I could it could be a dog, but I still haven’t quite got my head around picking up poop with a plastic bag yet). I’m simply allowing room for a different possibility of happily ever after.

With that being said, I wasn’t 100% sure, that as another birthday approached and me still having no real idea of where my future was heading, that I wouldn’t be on the sofa wrapped in a fleece blanket, knocking back the  Prosecco, whilst shoveling down a Red Velvet cake getting through as many  romcoms and Disney films as I could  manage before my eyes were to puffy to open from all of the ugly crying. Thankfully, that’s not how it turned out. 

I was however, in bed for over week with a stupid ass viral infection. As much as I got to catch up on KUWTK, it also meant I had to lay waste to my celebratory plans. I managed to get to my annual daddy daughter birthday lunch. But paid the price, by getting caught in the rain and therefore getting even sicker. Over the last 10 days I've gone from feeling achy and dizzy, to snot nosed and sneezy, to vomiting with high temperatures. Not the way I’d hoped to spend the first week of being 37, but as they say “Shit Happens”. The universe clearly had other plans for me.

I'm happy to report, I’m now feeling better and am  back on fighting form and looking forward to getting the next year of my life off of the ground. I started this blog because I love writing and wanted to see if I could create something I was passionate about and document my journey to living my best life. “I want more from life” than I've had up until now. Since starting this blog the biggest lesson I’ve learned is, that my better life starts with me. Over the last 6 months there has been many ups and downs. There’s been times I thought I was getting worse rather than better. There’s been mistakes and lessons. There’s been trying new things and doing things differently as well as understanding more about my emotions and the effects they have on my decisions. But it’s all led to me feeling positive about moving forward.

A big part of that is realising that I need to start enjoying life more. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want to be physically, mentally and emotionally stronger,  Yes, I want to drink differently to the way I have been and Yes, I want to get more from life. But along the way of obtaining all of this, I forgot about actually enjoying myself. I’d forgotten that as much as I want to strive to get my shit together, I can’t get lost in that. I need to remember to enjoy the small moments like creating a Christmas Jazz playlist on spotify. Or finding a new way to prop up my pillows in bed to relax more when watching TV or reading. Or even finding out Nandos now deliver to my house. So for the next couple of weeks the mantra is “ENJOY” Keep working on being better, but learn how to enjoy the process.....and life!


Goals for a October

• Enjoy Life

• Morning Yoga 

• Detox

• Pinterest (Searching for Pins make me happy 

• Be Present

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💓

#New Beginnings

  A round of applause for me, I got a new job 😅

River Thames

After what felt like an eternity of searching, applying online and going on interviews, I finally landed a job. I'm now, 3 weeks into my new role as a procurement administrator for an IT company. I don't want to jinx it by saying I'm enjoying it, in case it goes tits up. But so far I don't hate it. In fact I'd actually go as far as to say I'm liking it and feeling a bit more positivity towards my working life. Everyone I have met so far has been lovely and made me feel welcome, I'm learning new things and my stress levels are on the decline. #happydays.

I'm still missing a few of my luvlies over at  Cisilion. We've still not managed to cut the umbilical cord yet. Which would explain, why I've been back to meet them 3 times in 2 weeks for customary drinks. With that being said, I've managed to cut down (a tiny bit) on my drinking for Sept.

Leaving my pals, has been difficult. Although leaving one pal (or at least someone I thought was a pal) was made a little easier. Someone I thought was a friend and therefore I put my trust in and confided in, turned out to a bigger gossiper than Regina George from 'The Plastics' in mean girls. I genuinely thought, they had my back. So I told them more, than probably anyone else there in a long time. Turns out, they've revealed pretty much everything I've ever told them in confidence. The funny thing is, they still believe (I'm guessing because they're unaware that I know that they're a motor mouth) is that I should still be disclosing my secrets to them. Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up is....

A) To get it off my chest - The betrayal was eating away at me and making me feel pessimistic. Creating a negative thought pattern and disrupting my sense of peace. So, I'm venting it out here, so I can do an Elsa and let it go.

B) Trust  Issues - I genuinely believed I could rely on this person to have my back. This was a friendship that had been building over the last year. So upon realising I was wrong about that, has caused some self doubt and me questioning my judgement of people. Could I still trust my own instincts about people? Am I too trustworthy to soon? The answer to both is YES. I can trust my gut and I need to take a little more time before placing trust in others. When I first realised, I had misplaced my trust in this person, I was angry at them. But now I see it as a lesson. I will learn from it and keep my guard up whenever I'm around them.

Anyway, that's the downside of the last couple of weeks. 

The upside is, last Wednesday I went for drinks at Juno rooms and got to know a few more of my new work colleagues.

Juno Rooms

Then this Wednesday (yes, I am sensing a pattern #wednesdayisthenewfriday) after drinks overlooking the Thames river, I went for a lovely dinner at Vinoteca.

Vinoteca

I even tried my first ever Burrata. I was pleasantly surprised that I liked a mozzarella that wasn't melted as well as aubergine, as I haven't been a fan of it in the past. My taste buds have definitely developed as I've gotten older. 

Those of you that  know me well know, that when it comes to food, I'm not one for sharing. But as you can see, I made the effort to 'adjust' my attitude towards this 🤣

There's not much else going on with me at the moment. Just trying to settle into my new job, keep up with daily yoga & meditation and get through my current book "A Question of Trust" by Penny Vincenzi. 

Have a great day, remember you're a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💖

Goodbye My Friends, Its Not The End.....

Some of my leaving gifts

After a year and 4 months, the time came to say my goodbyes to team Cisilion  😢

My departure can best be described as bitter sweet. Obviously, I wanted to give up  job, but that meant giving up spending everyday, with some of the greatest people, I've had the pleasure of working with. Its been, what's felt like an entire month of drinking and laughing to bring to a close a pretty epic chapter of my life. Not too mention the beautiful basket of leaving gifts that I got.💛 

Not only have I made amazing friends with some, of the people I've worked with, I've also gained some new buddies throughout the building. The universe really does bring the most unexpected people into our lives. Like my wonderful sales support team - my awesome partner in crime Sabs, my weird but lovely Victor, my always smiling sweetheart Demi and my Darling Nutjob Caroline aka Sarah. LOL (Inside joke) Oh and Bob and Judy (also an inside joke) Yes, Caroline and I spent a lot of our time talking about stupid funny shit. My favourite  account manager (don't tell the others, although I'm pretty sure they already know...lol) My Fabulous work wife Dee aka My Deidre. My Incredible ladies at reception - my Navjit, my Shan, my Roberta and Mumsie Lynne to name a few.

When I woke up Saturday, after my epic leaving do (well the final one) it dawned on me, I'd no longer be seeing all of these beauts on a daily basis and that made me a little sad. It also reminded me, once I start a new job, I'll have to go through the motions of getting to know new people again. None of which, will replace you guys above mentioned up, just to be clear 😅 Its the end of an era, but I've made friends that I will carry into my future.

Now that one chapter has closed, it leaves room for a new one to open. Overthinking me, went into overdrive about what that means. What will this new chapter be? Will it work out? However, I'm reminding myself to be excited rather than scared. Too look forward to what the future could hold, rather than to panic about it. Its a new start after all. Anything's possible. #newbeginnings

So I decided to take this week to relax, have a little me time and to work on getting my mind ready for this new chapter. I've been doing HIIT workouts and a little bit of yoga, whilst working on my tan and catching up on some TV shows. I've even started meditating again. I want the next step in my life, to be THE step in the right direction, so I'm taking actions now to make that happen.

Before my last day at Cisilion, we had a cheese and wine session put on from the lovely ladies at Landmark. They had a motivational speaker come in, who spoke about his journey for creating new habits. Over the last 10 years him and his wife and created 40 new habits as part of the quest to lead a better life. The one thing he said that resonated with me, was about his best practice to creating these habits. He recommended that we do not form too many habits at once. As well as not establishing too many habits, we should also take our time when creating them. Start with either 2 little ones or 1 big one at a time, and to slowly integrate these into our lives. i.e. if you decide to start going to the gym, on your first day, don't hop on the treadmill and try to run 100k, because the likelihood is, by day 2 or 3, you will have burned out and it wont go back. So I'm on a mission to incorporate small habits into my life at a pace that helps them stick.

Mindset is my first one. Without that, nothing else will fall into place.

As I say goodbye to August (and apparently play-suits, as the sun looks like its packed its bags and pissed off for another year) below are a few experiences I've had with friends, that were positive, entertaining and quite frankly a laugh.

Dee's Baby Shower - A beautiful day, spent with the girls, to celebrate the pending arrival of baby Aurora. The weather was great, it gave me the opportunity to travel to Kingston-upon-Thames for the 1st time, drink pink prosecco and get on a bouncy castle for the first time in over a decade. 

Dinner Date With Me Linz - My lovely Lindsay was over from South Africa. So we went for drinks and a little dinner at Granary square to have a go old catch-up













Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💖

Head High, Drama Low

I have chosen to use an image of myself for today's post, as a reminder, that even with all of the highs and lows of the last month, I'm still capable of rocking my smile.

I haven't written a post in so long, I thought I may have forgotten my login details. Spoiler alert, I didn't.

Whoever said it was easier to find a job, whilst in your current one, clearly does not work for my company. Finding the time to speak to people, let alone apply or interview has been full time work in itself. It's also a very overwhelming process. On top of that, there's dealing with the disappointment of not getting jobs that I've interviewed for. That was difficult to deal with, as it made me feel a little rejected and for a minute like I wasn't good enough. Some companies have been nice and given feedback as to why I was unsuccessful. Some have just given radio silence. Some will only consider you, if you have experience in that particular industry or role, which can make changing careers a little daunting. Job searching this time round has been a real eye opener. But I'm doing my best to remain positive, that something great will come my way soon.....so watch this space. Below are a few things I learned whilst looking for a new job...

1) Monotony - Lets be real, job hunting can be super boring. Applying for job after job, especially if you are not getting any results can make you want to punch your laptop. Try uploading you CV to some of the main job boards, so at least employers can see you, when searching for candidates.

2) Alerts - Set up alerts for the type of roles you're looking. That way roles you may be interested in can be emailed to you. The 5 I like to use are:

• Total Jobs 
• Reed
• CV Library 
• Indeed 
• Monster 

3) Linkedin - If you don't already have a Linkedin Profile...get one. Its great for looking for jobs, following companies and keeping up to date with whats going on the employment world. 

4) Job Specs - Really read through these, to understand if its a job you definitely want. Take note of whats required from you, but also what the company offer. Finding a job is not solely about what you can do for a company, your best interests  and well being matter too.

5) Discouragement - The most important one of all. Trust me, its easy to become discouraged, when you're not hearing back from people and you start to panic. We all have bills to pay, so not getting responses can start to weigh heavily on us and this can draw you into a negative head space. Try to remain positive. Even as I'm writing this post I don't have another job to go to. But I'm keeping my head up and having faith that it will work out. 

As the above has left me rather.....lets say a little discombobulated, I've been spending more of my time out socialising with friends. Which, don't get me wrong has been great for a laugh and giving me a multiple sounding boards, but little less great the morning after. However despite the 6pm Prosecco runs, I've made time for a couple of other things

I sure as hell made the time go and see Fast & Furious: Hobbs and Shaw - 😍 Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham and Idris Elba, all on the same screen, now that's what I call a dream team. I mean not literally obviously, as Idris played the baddie (and a damn good one at that) But minus the perving on the 3 hotties, I enjoyed the plot and all of the action. My friend that I went to see it with did not agree, so needless to say we are no longer friends. Just Kidding. Kind of 😅 Those of you that know me, are aware that I like a cinema trip. If you get the chance to visit an Everyman Cinema - I highly recommend it.

If you are ever in the Kings Cross area drop into Granary Square. There are soooooo many  Bars and Restaurants to check out that you would not even know are there. To name a couple....

Little Creatures - Little Creature - They have an onsite brewery. Obviously I had prosecco, but my friend tried one of their beers and didn't complain. Which says a lot...lol

The Lighterman - The Lighterman - Located in a beautifully shaped building with seating inside and out, across 2 floors over looking the square. They do one of the best Calamari's I've had in some time and a mean lamb chop. Good for chilling with friends or date night.

   

   

We also caught the end of opera performance and went to the opening of  Samsung KX. Now I'm team iphone all day, but this store is definitely worth visiting. Its in a weirdly shaped building (weird in a good way) and is more like an experience than a shop. You could try your hand at VR car racing, electronic spray painting, play video games in mock living room, and test out new speakers. I believe there was even a photo booth. They had a TV that cost £350K (in case anyone needs an idea for my next birthday) and lots of other cool stuff .

I've also currently started reading a new book "The Fix" by David Baldacci and I can honestly say, I am hooked already. I wont spoil it by telling you whats happened so far, but you can already tell, "looks can be deceiving" is going to be the biggest point of this book.

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💓

Fight or Flight

Today being the 1st of July (Well it was when I first started writing this post) can only mean one thing....

Photo by Ty Williams on Unsplash

There are now only 177 days, until I have to leave a note, explaining to Santa that there are no cookies left out for him because, quite frankly I don't share. To be fair he does most of his work in one night, so he's probably better of with a protein shake.

The 1st of July, officially signifies that we're half way through the year. 6 months ago, half of us we're cramming in those last wedges of Christmas cake, washing it  down with eggnog, whilst online shopping for running shoes and kettle bells. I didn't make any resolutions this year as I'm shit at sticking to them. Instead I made a pact with myself to simply make the effort  to live a better life. I'm happy to report, the pact didn't fall to shit by the 2nd Jan. I've achieved more than a couple of things in the first 6 months of 2019 that I'm super proud of

Photo by Gabriela Gutierrez on Unsplash

• Dry Jan & Dry Feb 🤯
• Started My Blog 💓
• Indoor wall climbing (without harnesses) 😨
• Went to Geneva 😄
• Started a skin care regime 👌
• Realising the importance of Self-Love 👍
• Tried some new recipes 😋

Obviously there are still things that I want/need to work on (like burning off this extra layer of "Thermal Muscle" surrounding my mid section) but I'm proud of the progress I have made so far. 

That's how the month started.....

By the 11th of July, things kind of turned on their ass. I fell into a mental health black hole. I was at home buried under a dark cloud of depression for 6 days. Honestly, I should've seen it coming. Over the last 10 weeks, I've been on an emotional roller coaster that would give Thorpe Park a run for its money. I've been stressed out, overly worried, exhausted and unhappy. Rather than taking the time out to process all of the things I already had going on, I just kept piling more on. I kept telling myself  "Push through it, it will be okay" or "Other people cope with shit going on, why cant you?" or  "There isn't time to deal with this now" The irony in the last one, is that I didn't think I had the time to look after myself. Cue The Mind Fuck twins stepping in to say "Bitch, I'm here, to make you, make time" and true to form I had to take a week off of work, to spend some time looking after myself.

That meant having to tell my job exactly what was going on. Which was scary as hell. You never know how people are going to take it when you tell them something like that. Will they judge me? Will they understand it? Will they tell other people? Will they look at me differently? Will they think I just need to pull myself together? Will they think I'm weak or lesser of a person? Telling them increased my vulnerability and made me worry more. Because essentially you take a risk, when telling people about your mental health. Especially work. Legally, they have to support you, but it doesn't take away the stigma that can sometimes be left in their minds. But I didn't want to lie to them and thankfully my workplace were supportive. They offered me counselling if needed and emphasized that I wasn't alone and that they would do whatever they could to support me throughout this time. I still worry that people will look at me differently, but that's something I need to get over. Anyone judging me for my state of mental health, is not someone  important enough for me to worry about their opinion.

The first few days, my mind was chaotic but I also felt completely numb. I was feeling quite defenseless. I've been doing my best to push away fear and doubt and yet they seemed to be surrounding me like the army of the dead surrounded Winterfell. I became so anxious I was making myself nauseous. My emotions were all over the place and I was beating myself up over that fact that I had let it get this bad. I was torn between wanting to give up on trying and wanting to fight. Thanks to some encouraging words from some lovely friends and family members,  my inner badass rocked up, told my weakness "Bye Felicia" and resumed its duties of upholding my strength.

As much as I didn't think I had the time to spare to look after myself, I'm glad I took the week off. It gave me the opportunity to take everything off of my plate and really look at what actually needed to go back on. It allowed me re-group and remember what I was trying to accomplish and what I was trying to fuck right off. By Thursday I was able to do a workout and get out into the garden to read a book. By Friday, I was in a better state of mind,  for when my Brother from Another Mother Prince 💙 came to visit me. We sat chatting for hours and it was  really helpful. By Saturday I was able to go food shopping.

I read a quote that said "Don't focus on the staircase, focus on the step in front of you"

That resonated with me. I've been panicking about finding a new job, as I finish up my current one in 6 weeks. I've been rather unhappy, with it and feel that unhappiness has spilled into the rest of my life. So I've taken a leap of faith and decided to walk away. Of course, I'm shit scared! I don't have another job to go to...yet! But, this particular role (and I must stress its not the people, most of them are actually really lovely. okay half of them...lol) is stressful and draining in ways that it doesn't need to be. I'm excited about the prospect of finding something new. I have to keep reminding myself to be positive about the future and not let fear of not finding something eat away at me. Also, its a great opportunity to try something new. Maybe a totally different role or industry. The truth is apart from a steady wage and not seeing certain people everyday, I don't regret my decision. So onwards and upwards. Here's to taking a chance on myself. 

Moral of the story.... 

Make time for yourself. Nothing else will matter if you don't. They say you cant pour from an empty cup. You cant do anything with a broken one. I knew I should've taken time out, but I got so caught up with keeping things ticking over, with every new task or situation  I took on, I pushed myself further to the back of the line. This is "NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR" As of today, 16th July, I have slowed down but importantly I've calmed down. I've been doing more things that are beneficial for my well-being. Like what? you ask. I started watching some TED talks ( I KNOW, I'm super late) on looking after myself, have been listening to more jazz, watching a little less TV, applying for jobs without panic and eating a little better. I've also put myself on a teeny tiny booze ban. No, I'm not worried that I'll get through the worlds supply of Prosecco by the next world cup. It's more about better mental clarity & balanced blood sugars. Plus, its only for a week or so.

I'd like to give a shout out to my pal Linz. I met her at my last company and she lives is South Africa, so I only get to see her a couple of times a year (Or whenever someone can convince Brendan to pay for her ticket 🤣). I didn't realise she kept up with my blog.  A few weeks ago she sent me the most heart warming message, telling me that not only did she love my blog, that she found it helpful and  looked forward to new posts. She advised me to continue the great work. It meant the world to me, that not only had she taken the time out to tell me that, but also that my writing was doing more than just making people laugh. So thank you my darling linz. 😘

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💝

Mini Meltdown, Major Lesson

I started my pursuit of happiness in a bid to live my best life. 

Photo by Steve Harvey on Unsplash

I knew the journey would be more like a marathon than a sprint. However, this is feeling more like a Triathlon. If swimming was the first stage, cycling was the second and running was the third, I'm at the 'My arms are getting tired part of the swim, but we still have another 50 laps to go' stage.

 

Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

I want to say its more difficult that I assumed it would    be. But I think in actuality, I just had more to work  through than I thought. There are numerous distracting   factors, that I didn't even consider, would have an impact.  I figured all I had to do was to start trying new things, change my bad habits and everything would fall into place. In reality I was about to gain some insight into the  hurdles that would present themselves, along the way. 

• Unhappiness - I've written about  how unhappy I've actually felt and the mask of happiness that I wear on a daily basis to cover it up. I seem to have worn it so well, I even fooled myself. 

• The Mind Fuck Twins - Anxiety & Depression are still playing their part in slowing down my progress and throwing me off  track. Fair play, I always manage to pick myself up and dust myself off, but it's very time consuming to always be correcting my path. However, it also serves as a learning curve in how to keep fighting. As inconvenient as it can be, it plays its part in making me stronger.  I learn new ways of coping, as well as different things that can trigger me. I'm also learning to listen to my mind a little bit more each time, when it tells me to take a minute for myself.

• Self-love - I have previously spoken about how oblivious I've been, to the fact that I haven't entertained self-love enough. It's a lot harder than I anticipated to elevate this up to the level it should be at. I've spent a lot of my life, not realising how little value I put on my self-worth, so understandably, its going to take a while to undo. But undo it we must!

• Negative Thinking / Fear - These 2 are probably the worst of them all. They effect all of the above. A little sprinkle of either one,  can trigger 1 if not all 3 of the other obstacles. These 2 probably take the most work to overcome. Fighting that little voice that says “You can’t do this” or “ You’re not good enough” 

In light of all of the above, its not been all doom and gloom. Experiencing the difficulties of the above are all apart of the graft needed to live my best life. Because living my best life doesn't mean there are no sad, mad or bad days. Its pushing through those days to get back to enjoying the good. It's making mistakes and bad decisions. Its going from being in a bad place and not being able to get out of bed to being a good place and watching Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle whilst eating chocolate covered pretzels giggling my ass off. Its feeling overwhelmed and stressed out by upcoming decisions, but still remembering to laugh. Its worrying about a situation that could already be out of my hands, but still reading my book on the train home.

When in a place of darkness it can be hard to see the light. But so far, no matter how much darkness has surrounded me, the light always manages to gets through. Obviously I worry that one day, the light may become dull. But in 36 years, that bitch has always found a way to shine bright like a diamond. 

I have a lot on my plate to figure out right now. Some things are confusing. Some are exciting Some are scary. But all are for the greater good. I have no idea what the future holds. What I do know, is that life is too short to spend it unhappy, especially if you can avoid it. So here's to being happy. Because why would you want to be anything else. So with that in mind, I'm going to give a  shout out to a few things that have made me happy over the last week.....

1. Dinerama - Went for dinner with my boys. Had some great food. There is so much on offer that I didn't even get around to tryinf. Sooooo, if anyone fancies a trip over there, count me in.

             

2. Sunshine Blogger Award - Feel so lucky to have been nominated for award this by 2 lovely bloggers Chloe Fry  and Time to Talk (will try and get a post done for this very soon) as well as The Liebster Award  (Check out my previous post)

3. Cooking - Made my BBQ lamb ribs on Saturday. The fact that there are no pictures of them, tells you how fast they got eaten.

4. What If - If you haven’t yet see this series on Netflix, watch it. Renee Zellwegger, is no Bridget Jones in this show.

5. Funny Memes - I pinned some shit on Pinterest this week that almost made me die laughing

6. Meditation - I seriously LOVE the calm app. Headspace is also really good app to use.

7. Miles Davis - Listening to this guy with John Coltrane at the Olympia Theatre, Paris on you-tube. Mood Booster Music!  I'm talking 'dancing round my kitchen like I'm the one playing the Sax' good music. 

Photo by Randalyn Hill on Unsplash

So let me end this post by sending out loads of loving vibes, happy thoughts and positive energy. 

Have a great day, remember you're a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💖