Fight or Flight

Today being the 1st of July (Well it was when I first started writing this post) can only mean one thing....

Photo by Ty Williams on Unsplash

There are now only 177 days, until I have to leave a note, explaining to Santa that there are no cookies left out for him because, quite frankly I don't share. To be fair he does most of his work in one night, so he's probably better of with a protein shake.

The 1st of July, officially signifies that we're half way through the year. 6 months ago, half of us we're cramming in those last wedges of Christmas cake, washing it  down with eggnog, whilst online shopping for running shoes and kettle bells. I didn't make any resolutions this year as I'm shit at sticking to them. Instead I made a pact with myself to simply make the effort  to live a better life. I'm happy to report, the pact didn't fall to shit by the 2nd Jan. I've achieved more than a couple of things in the first 6 months of 2019 that I'm super proud of

Photo by Gabriela Gutierrez on Unsplash

• Dry Jan & Dry Feb 🤯
• Started My Blog 💓
• Indoor wall climbing (without harnesses) 😨
• Went to Geneva 😄
• Started a skin care regime 👌
• Realising the importance of Self-Love 👍
• Tried some new recipes 😋

Obviously there are still things that I want/need to work on (like burning off this extra layer of "Thermal Muscle" surrounding my mid section) but I'm proud of the progress I have made so far. 

That's how the month started.....

By the 11th of July, things kind of turned on their ass. I fell into a mental health black hole. I was at home buried under a dark cloud of depression for 6 days. Honestly, I should've seen it coming. Over the last 10 weeks, I've been on an emotional roller coaster that would give Thorpe Park a run for its money. I've been stressed out, overly worried, exhausted and unhappy. Rather than taking the time out to process all of the things I already had going on, I just kept piling more on. I kept telling myself  "Push through it, it will be okay" or "Other people cope with shit going on, why cant you?" or  "There isn't time to deal with this now" The irony in the last one, is that I didn't think I had the time to look after myself. Cue The Mind Fuck twins stepping in to say "Bitch, I'm here, to make you, make time" and true to form I had to take a week off of work, to spend some time looking after myself.

That meant having to tell my job exactly what was going on. Which was scary as hell. You never know how people are going to take it when you tell them something like that. Will they judge me? Will they understand it? Will they tell other people? Will they look at me differently? Will they think I just need to pull myself together? Will they think I'm weak or lesser of a person? Telling them increased my vulnerability and made me worry more. Because essentially you take a risk, when telling people about your mental health. Especially work. Legally, they have to support you, but it doesn't take away the stigma that can sometimes be left in their minds. But I didn't want to lie to them and thankfully my workplace were supportive. They offered me counselling if needed and emphasized that I wasn't alone and that they would do whatever they could to support me throughout this time. I still worry that people will look at me differently, but that's something I need to get over. Anyone judging me for my state of mental health, is not someone  important enough for me to worry about their opinion.

The first few days, my mind was chaotic but I also felt completely numb. I was feeling quite defenseless. I've been doing my best to push away fear and doubt and yet they seemed to be surrounding me like the army of the dead surrounded Winterfell. I became so anxious I was making myself nauseous. My emotions were all over the place and I was beating myself up over that fact that I had let it get this bad. I was torn between wanting to give up on trying and wanting to fight. Thanks to some encouraging words from some lovely friends and family members,  my inner badass rocked up, told my weakness "Bye Felicia" and resumed its duties of upholding my strength.

As much as I didn't think I had the time to spare to look after myself, I'm glad I took the week off. It gave me the opportunity to take everything off of my plate and really look at what actually needed to go back on. It allowed me re-group and remember what I was trying to accomplish and what I was trying to fuck right off. By Thursday I was able to do a workout and get out into the garden to read a book. By Friday, I was in a better state of mind,  for when my Brother from Another Mother Prince 💙 came to visit me. We sat chatting for hours and it was  really helpful. By Saturday I was able to go food shopping.

I read a quote that said "Don't focus on the staircase, focus on the step in front of you"

That resonated with me. I've been panicking about finding a new job, as I finish up my current one in 6 weeks. I've been rather unhappy, with it and feel that unhappiness has spilled into the rest of my life. So I've taken a leap of faith and decided to walk away. Of course, I'm shit scared! I don't have another job to go to...yet! But, this particular role (and I must stress its not the people, most of them are actually really lovely. okay half of them...lol) is stressful and draining in ways that it doesn't need to be. I'm excited about the prospect of finding something new. I have to keep reminding myself to be positive about the future and not let fear of not finding something eat away at me. Also, its a great opportunity to try something new. Maybe a totally different role or industry. The truth is apart from a steady wage and not seeing certain people everyday, I don't regret my decision. So onwards and upwards. Here's to taking a chance on myself. 

Moral of the story.... 

Make time for yourself. Nothing else will matter if you don't. They say you cant pour from an empty cup. You cant do anything with a broken one. I knew I should've taken time out, but I got so caught up with keeping things ticking over, with every new task or situation  I took on, I pushed myself further to the back of the line. This is "NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR" As of today, 16th July, I have slowed down but importantly I've calmed down. I've been doing more things that are beneficial for my well-being. Like what? you ask. I started watching some TED talks ( I KNOW, I'm super late) on looking after myself, have been listening to more jazz, watching a little less TV, applying for jobs without panic and eating a little better. I've also put myself on a teeny tiny booze ban. No, I'm not worried that I'll get through the worlds supply of Prosecco by the next world cup. It's more about better mental clarity & balanced blood sugars. Plus, its only for a week or so.

I'd like to give a shout out to my pal Linz. I met her at my last company and she lives is South Africa, so I only get to see her a couple of times a year (Or whenever someone can convince Brendan to pay for her ticket 🤣). I didn't realise she kept up with my blog.  A few weeks ago she sent me the most heart warming message, telling me that not only did she love my blog, that she found it helpful and  looked forward to new posts. She advised me to continue the great work. It meant the world to me, that not only had she taken the time out to tell me that, but also that my writing was doing more than just making people laugh. So thank you my darling linz. 😘

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💝

Mini Meltdown, Major Lesson

I started my pursuit of happiness in a bid to live my best life. 

Photo by Steve Harvey on Unsplash

I knew the journey would be more like a marathon than a sprint. However, this is feeling more like a Triathlon. If swimming was the first stage, cycling was the second and running was the third, I'm at the 'My arms are getting tired part of the swim, but we still have another 50 laps to go' stage.

 

Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

I want to say its more difficult that I assumed it would    be. But I think in actuality, I just had more to work  through than I thought. There are numerous distracting   factors, that I didn't even consider, would have an impact.  I figured all I had to do was to start trying new things, change my bad habits and everything would fall into place. In reality I was about to gain some insight into the  hurdles that would present themselves, along the way. 

• Unhappiness - I've written about  how unhappy I've actually felt and the mask of happiness that I wear on a daily basis to cover it up. I seem to have worn it so well, I even fooled myself. 

• The Mind Fuck Twins - Anxiety & Depression are still playing their part in slowing down my progress and throwing me off  track. Fair play, I always manage to pick myself up and dust myself off, but it's very time consuming to always be correcting my path. However, it also serves as a learning curve in how to keep fighting. As inconvenient as it can be, it plays its part in making me stronger.  I learn new ways of coping, as well as different things that can trigger me. I'm also learning to listen to my mind a little bit more each time, when it tells me to take a minute for myself.

• Self-love - I have previously spoken about how oblivious I've been, to the fact that I haven't entertained self-love enough. It's a lot harder than I anticipated to elevate this up to the level it should be at. I've spent a lot of my life, not realising how little value I put on my self-worth, so understandably, its going to take a while to undo. But undo it we must!

• Negative Thinking / Fear - These 2 are probably the worst of them all. They effect all of the above. A little sprinkle of either one,  can trigger 1 if not all 3 of the other obstacles. These 2 probably take the most work to overcome. Fighting that little voice that says “You can’t do this” or “ You’re not good enough” 

In light of all of the above, its not been all doom and gloom. Experiencing the difficulties of the above are all apart of the graft needed to live my best life. Because living my best life doesn't mean there are no sad, mad or bad days. Its pushing through those days to get back to enjoying the good. It's making mistakes and bad decisions. Its going from being in a bad place and not being able to get out of bed to being a good place and watching Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle whilst eating chocolate covered pretzels giggling my ass off. Its feeling overwhelmed and stressed out by upcoming decisions, but still remembering to laugh. Its worrying about a situation that could already be out of my hands, but still reading my book on the train home.

When in a place of darkness it can be hard to see the light. But so far, no matter how much darkness has surrounded me, the light always manages to gets through. Obviously I worry that one day, the light may become dull. But in 36 years, that bitch has always found a way to shine bright like a diamond. 

I have a lot on my plate to figure out right now. Some things are confusing. Some are exciting Some are scary. But all are for the greater good. I have no idea what the future holds. What I do know, is that life is too short to spend it unhappy, especially if you can avoid it. So here's to being happy. Because why would you want to be anything else. So with that in mind, I'm going to give a  shout out to a few things that have made me happy over the last week.....

1. Dinerama - Went for dinner with my boys. Had some great food. There is so much on offer that I didn't even get around to tryinf. Sooooo, if anyone fancies a trip over there, count me in.

             

2. Sunshine Blogger Award - Feel so lucky to have been nominated for award this by 2 lovely bloggers Chloe Fry  and Time to Talk (will try and get a post done for this very soon) as well as The Liebster Award  (Check out my previous post)

3. Cooking - Made my BBQ lamb ribs on Saturday. The fact that there are no pictures of them, tells you how fast they got eaten.

4. What If - If you haven’t yet see this series on Netflix, watch it. Renee Zellwegger, is no Bridget Jones in this show.

5. Funny Memes - I pinned some shit on Pinterest this week that almost made me die laughing

6. Meditation - I seriously LOVE the calm app. Headspace is also really good app to use.

7. Miles Davis - Listening to this guy with John Coltrane at the Olympia Theatre, Paris on you-tube. Mood Booster Music!  I'm talking 'dancing round my kitchen like I'm the one playing the Sax' good music. 

Photo by Randalyn Hill on Unsplash

So let me end this post by sending out loads of loving vibes, happy thoughts and positive energy. 

Have a great day, remember you're a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💖

Thinking it Through

Is me, planning the centre pieces for a polyamorous wedding between Anthony Joshua and Tom Hardy thinking? Its probably more day dreaming. 

I read a post on Linkedin recently about taking more time to think. There was a guy, (we'll call him bob) who advised that he spends most of his life travelling for work. This leaves him with a lot of occasions where he's waiting around in airports. He used to spend these little pockets of time catching up on emails and making phones calls. One day, whilst being slapped with a 4hr delay, rather than catch up on work, Bob decided to make use of the unexpected  time in the departure lounge, by simply sitting  and thinking. He sat and thought about life, about new business ideas and how to strategise for them. He came to learn, that as productive as it was, to get in that little bit extra work, between departures, taking some time out to just think about things had become beneficial to him.

Now, as an over-thinker, someone suggesting, to spend more time thinking, makes as much sense as running through a mud assault course, in your wedding dress, the morning of your wedding. Like I need to add thoughts to my ever expanding cognitive library. 

However, I've come to realise there is a difference between "Overthinking" and "Thinking". I spend at least 65% of my day overthinking. Which serves as a good explanation for my constant state of unrest. Thinking on the other hand is a totally different concept. Thinking is a way to plan things out. To create a process of how to get things done. Rather than the chaotic spinning of thoughts, doing a washing machine cycle in my mind, caused by overthinking. 

So after reading Bob's post, I started thinking about my pursuit of happiness. What I'm trying to achieve? The steps I've taken to get there? The steps I still need to take? The mistakes I've made that I need to learn from? The things that need less of my attention? The things that need more of my attention? 

I haven't been focusing on writing, as much as I would have liked, over the past couple of  months, which is pulling me further away from my dream life. So taking the time to think about all of the things I want and ways I can achieve them , has put me back on a more productive path. 

Its not just my career goals that I've been deliberating. I've also been reflecting on the fact that its time to start dating. Time to start making the time to get to know people. Time to start making the effort to go on dates. I'm not saying I want to kiss any frogs, but if it helps me to find my prince, I'm gonna apply some MAC Ruby Woo and  pucker up.  

I also need to get my ass in gear with ticking things off of my bucket list....

• Cooking & Baking - Need to try a few new recipes 
• Podcasts - I want to add some more motivational and funny ones to my library 
• Reading more - Would like to get through 2 books a month rather than 1 
• Watching less TV (but not giving it up completely) Netflix is like a fleece blanket for me - very comforting.
• Working out consistently - I've actually gotten a little better with this one, but there is still room for improvement                                                                                                            

Its not like I've forgotten all of the above, but apparently if its not on a post-it at the forefront of my mind, it kind of drifts to the back and puts its feet up. 
Like they say "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" although maybe "Out of Thought, Out of Mind" is more applicable to this situation. 

Photo by Marion Michele on Unsplash

So in between thinking about ways to get me writing more, how best to smash my goals and where myself and my 2 future husbands are going on honeymoon (sometimes you have to daydream a little bit 😄) I've got my mojo back.  It feels like I have 'thought' my way back into a more positive attitude. Like thinking about all of the things I want to do, made me happier and gave me that energy back to go for it. 

 I guess that's where the phrase "Think Happy Thoughts" comes from.

Side note: If you feel you need a little extra help, finding your happy place, turn your head slightly to the right and check out this cute pic of a dog in a swing. Seriously....I'm not even a dog person and that's making me smile. 

Have a great day, remember you're a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💖

Good vs Evil

I'm starting to understand why Anakin Skywalker gave into the dark side of the force.

It often feels like the harder I work, to become a better version of myself, the more formidable the universe is, at trying to keep me where I am. Or worse, dragging me further down.

I've even considered the possibility, that my life is a modern day Truman Show. Narcissistic overlords, in the background, pulling the strings for shits and giggles. But, I know its a simple case of, this is how life works. I've come to realise, the further I roam into "The Better Me Movement" I'll develop the necessary skills to survive this roller coaster called  life. But not without the odd stumbling block.

                                "Nothing Worth Anything Comes Easily"

I want to see where this journey takes me. What I learn from it? What I feel during and after it? How my life changes because of it? Which brings me to today's post.....

I'm familiar with the negative thought pattern, that rolls around in my head. Its what encourages me to be a positive person. There's a lot of shitty things going on in the world, but I still try to sit on #TeamGood, in the battle of Good vs Evil. However, not only did I lose sight of that for a minute this weekend, I wasn't sure if I even wanted my membership card to  #TeamGood.

I was on my way home from a pre-bank holiday weekend, night out with work - a rather random 12 hours consisting of 3 new friends, 2 bars and 1 broken leg. Even though it was 4am, I decided to get the tube. The lines I needed run 24hrs and I was already at the station. I got on the central line (which was shockingly empty - a state in which I've never seen it) I didn't have to wait too long for the Victoria Line. I hopped onto a carriage to the left of me, rather than the one directly in front of me, which I put down to me being my usual random self. As it turns out, it was the Universe, better yet God, guiding me out of harms way. I was highly engrossed in watching 'Line of Duty' and am not even sure, what made me look up and to my left into the carriage I'd avoided. It was at this point that I noticed, what can only be described as 2 DISGUSTING VILE CUNTS beating up and robbing a boy. They were hitting him, tormenting him and when the train stopped at seven sisters, they dragged him off.

Now, I know sadly shit like this happens all over the world, everyday. However, to see it first hand, in such close quarters, was heart-breaking to witness. The fact that these two cowardly cunts, felt that they had the right to ruin this poor boy's journey, let alone his day and possibly his life is unfathomable to me. How dare they!!!

I have no idea what happened to this boy after they dragged him off of the train. Before we arrived at seven sisters I saw one of these two Asshats walking towards the carriage I was in and I felt sick with fear. A million thoughts were going through my head, but the one that echoed the loudest was "God please get me out of here now". I kept praying for the doors to close. This thought made me feel selfish. The fact that I was more concerned about my safety, than what was happening to this unlucky boy. As soon as I exited the train station, I jumped into a cab. The moment I was safely back in my house, is when the anger kicked in. The anger for that ill-fated boy, who was just going about his day and had his life intruded on. The anger that there is blatantly such evil in the world. The anger that they were probably going to get away with it. The anger that even if they were caught, there were so many others out there like them. The anger at myself and others on the train who saw, but did nothing, out of fear of what could happen. The anger that we now have to live in a society, where the first instinct is not to get involved, out of fear of losing your own life.

The incident hit me quite hard. It made me hate (a word I rarely use) humanity. It made me wish for the entire world to be wiped out Thanos style. Why should the good have to live through such evil? Why should the evil be able to ruin all that is good? It made me so sad that it reduced me to tears. Not because I didn't know the world is a shit place, but because its saddening to be reminded how awful it can truly be. I felt so bitter from it, that even whilst my sister was trying her utmost to convince me, not let go of my positive outlook, I'd already given up. I felt a pain that wiped out my faith in Humanity. As far as I was concerned Humanity sucked and they should burn.

That was 4 days ago.....

I still believe, those 2 bastards and anyone else who harms others just because they can, should die slow painful deaths (God forgive me, but my view isn't likely to shift on this one) My faith in humanity is not back up at the level it was, but its not down at a level where I feel everyone should perish. I know there is good in the world. Its just going to take me a minute, to solidify my reasoning as to why I'm a member of #Teamgood. Going to see Avengers: Endgame for the 2nd time on Saturday, probably gave me a kick in the right direction. I'm not going to let, me observing this shit situation, make me only see the bad in the world. I don't deserve to live such a negative life and  the world deserves for me to be my positively crazy self.

The lesson being......

I may have booked a lastminute.com trip to negative town, but it was only a weekend break. I'm didn't buy a house and move there. The evil side of the universe threw me a cannonball to knock me off track. But the good side of the universe, taught me how to cope with it. It taught me, that even though I had a negative reaction, I was able to let it go. Team Evil Universe typically throws me garden variety  situations to keep me on my toes

• Selfish Work Colleague 
• The Mind Fuck Twins (Anxiety & Depression
• Emotional Stress 

They upped their game this weekend - but then again so did Team Good Universe. They sent family members and friends to check in on me, just to make sure I was ok. They sent me strangers on social media with words of encouragement. They gave me the time I needed to chill out, sort through my feelings and get on with my life.

There will always be situations and people in life that will try to drag you down. Some things will be more difficult than others, to get back on your feet from. That's fine! But do not EVER under any circumstances let those Asshole, Thunder Cunt, Motherfucking, Douche Bag, Wankers KEEP YOU DOWN. Work through whatever you need to and stand your beautiful ass back up again.

I've been a distracted from working on my blog and towards my dream life of recent. This has reminded me to get my shit together. To get back to building the life I want, even in these shitty times.

*If you've been offended, by any of the swearing in today's post.....You're going to need to get over that*

Have a great day, remember you're a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💖

Letting Go

Elsa had the right idea when she belted out “Let it Go”

She used the platform, of one of the best Disney films ever made to send a powerful message with a catchy tune attached. (Others include ‘Hakuna Matata’ - The Lion King and ‘Friend Like Me’ - Aladdin. She basically declared that she’d lived her whole life, not being herself and she was done with that. She’d spent over a decade, locked away in her room, not living any kind of life, let alone her best one. Understandably, there was the fear that she would hurt her sister again, but that fear caused her parents to force her into a sheltered existence. Had her parents taught her how to live with her powers, rather than shut her away from the world, she would have been better equipped to handle them as an adult. Now, obviously in hindsight they did what they thought was best, as we all do. However, sometimes hiding from what we perceive to be the worst parts of ourselves, rather than face them, can have catastrophic consequences.

Nevertheless, when the time came, it didn't take her long to say ’Fuck it’. Fear drove her up that mountain, but by the time she was at the top, she got her groove back faster than Stella did in Jamaica. She threw on a new dress, whipped her hair back and forth, built her dream house and threw back some confidence pills like they were nurofen. All because she decided to let go of fear and worry.

Obviously, before her sister turned up (with yet another man) and the baddies tried to kill her, she was happy. “Let it Go” is a paramount message that most of us don’t even hear, let alone listen to. We hold onto so much, causing us to be weighed down.

They say “Worrying about tomorrow, only ruins the joy of  today”

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been worried about certain elements of my life.

Work - Do I stay or do I go? How will we cope with the current staffing situation? Will the window cleaners ever clean the windows in our new office? (This one is less of a worry and more me putting it out into the universe so it gets done) I’ve been going back and forth on how to proceed regarding a company that has approached me vs the company I currently work for. What has become clearer to me, is I’ve actually been more concerned with how the new company will react if I turn them down. Or how the current company will react if I leave. You’ll notice that none of those 2 concerns are about me. My mind, has been playing mental table tennis. The result being my calm has been replaced with chaos. This brought to my attention the need, to reverse that. What lessons was I being shown from this situation and how would I use them to get through it?

A) Better emotional control

B) Prioritising my feelings

As of this evening, I couldn't give two fucks about how the new or current company feel about any decision I decide to make. Now this could be down to, seeing Arya being a badass in GoT this morning, or because I have been repeating the affirmation “Prioritise Myself” since last night. It’s probably a bit of both. I’m now less concerned, with how, whatever decision I chose to make affects them. Being more selfish is something I’m advocating for. Especially if it’s for the best of me.

On the other hand, there are cases of being too selfish. I’m not going to go into details, as it’s a work situation I'm referring to. But, being super selfish towards your team, simply because you want to spite one colleague is a dick move. I don’t wish this person any ill will. But please know, if you make a dick move karma, will dust off her binoculars to find you. She misses no one. However, knowing that kind of negative energy, will soon no longer be around me, is a blessing. 

Friendships/Relationships - worrying about one sided situations. I have some great friends. Most of whom, I don't speak to everyday or even see weekly and our friendships are continuously growing. You don't have to be tied at the hip for a relationship to survive. If both sides are willing to put in an effort, then it will work. But if neither party are contributing, how long are things expected to last? I have a current friendship, that has lasted almost 20 years now. I don't want to see it die out especially as I've invested so much time into it. Its left me stressed thinking about how things have  become distant. Worrying about what to do to fix it. Should I be the one to make the first move and reach out? Sometimes, you have to be the one to extend the olive branch, which is fine if you're both willing to do that. I figured I'd call when I got back from Switzerland. Then whilst away something occurred to me.....

                What would I even say? Things feels so distant and awkward now

Then something more important occurred to me
                       
                      Why should I be the one that reaches out ......again?

There are 2 sides to this friendship, I feel I'm always the majority effort maker, which is fine, that was my choice. On the other hand, why should I still be doing that? Why should I be the one to make the effort .....again. As soon as those questions popped into my head, the answer followed suit.........."You shouldn't"

Fighting for a friendship/relationship is admirable, but you shouldn't be the only one fighting. I don't want to lose my friend, but I also don't want a one-sided friendship. I'm not even 100%  this friendship is meant to survive anymore. So as sad as it may be, I'm beginning to let go. I'm letting go of worrying about whether our friendship will be maintained. I'm letting go of stressing over losing a friendship, where the other person doesn't seem bothered. The motivational podcasts I listen to advise things such as "Just because you've been friends, doesn't mean you're meant to stay friends" and If it doesn't serve you, let it go" I will leave this one in gods hands.

We can only carry a certain amount before we fall (unless its 3 bottles of prosecco and a box of 12 krispy kreme donuts - then I become wonder woman). We have to teach ourselves the difference between, what we need to hold onto, what we need to work through so we can put it down and what we need to never have picked up.

I've added an exercise for the above to my goals for this week

So my goals for this week are....

1. 3 Workouts - I happily indulged in Geneva. Time to sort that out. Back to Joe Wick's for some HIIT workouts.
2. 10K steps at least 5 days - I'm not wearing this Fitbit for fashion purposes. Although with my pink straps, I could
3. Morning Affirmations - I must put the work in if I'm going to love myself as much as others do
4.  Stress Relief - It would be great if this was about sex., but I'm still not dating yet sooooooo. Acknowledging a situation that stresses me and finding a productive way to work through it or let it go.
5. Blog Post (Other than this one) - Even if its just to promote a bit of self-love and positivity

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💗

Happiness or Happy Less

 I started this blog to document my pursuit of happiness.

To show my journey from simply existing, to living my best life. I'm 2 months in and thankfully, my lack of patience hasn't deluded me into thinking, I'd have all of the answers by now. In fact, despite not feeling my absolute best self at the moment, there has definitely been some valuable lessons learnt over the past 10 weeks.

1) Self Love - I never truly understood how much I actually should love myself. I mean if we were talking about masturbation, I love myself a hell of a lot on a regular basis. But actually loving me....I didn't realise how necessary it is. Loving myself enough to say No, more often. Loving myself enough to figure out and do what makes me happy. Loving myself enough to live my best life. I have my flaws like anybody else, but all in all I'm a pretty fucking amazing person - Negative thought patterns, that have been embedded over the past couple of decades, have caused me to catch a little amnesia about that fact. This has lead to bad decisions, putting up with shit in past relationships and not looking out for my best interest at all times. In short, I haven't had my own back, enough. Thankfully, I'm now aware of this and having that awareness has set me on the right path to reversing it. There are a couple of key areas I need to embrace as part of this journey. Starting with acceptance & effort.

Acceptance - Body Image, Anxiety & depression. Effort - Confidence. 

I've been in a battle over my looks, since as far back as I can remember. I’ve got a great set of legs and beautiful face, but have always wanted a flatter tummy and bigger boobs. Rather than celebrate the things I do like about myself, I've spent years concentrating on the things I don't. We all have areas that we find fault with, but there's a difference between finding fault with and stopping yourself from loving all of yourself. I have let perfection, distract me from what's important.  Yes, I want bigger boobs and a flatter tummy! But I've got legs for days and smile, that even I sometimes stare at. So it's time for me to shift my focus, to my sexy ass self as a whole, rather than only fixating on areas I want improved. To be fair a padded bra and some sit ups, wouldn't hurt the situation. 

My anxiety and depression are a definite inconvenience - I'm not even going to lie, they strike at the least favorable times. I used to think it only happened when I was feeling down. Then that shit started dropping even when I was happy. Piss take!! But, the mind fuck twins are also the reason behind a lot of my fight. They've made me into a warrior at times when I wasn't ready for war. They have thrown me into the deep and said "Sink or Swim?" Yes, at times, they give me a dose of  "I'm sad and I don't know why" like some narcissistic doctor, but that has also enabled me to be more understanding and compassionate to others who suffer.

My confidence have taken a knock. I know people that know me may say "Well she always smiling" or "She's very outgoing, so how could she possibly not be confident" To that I'd say, I have 50% of the confidence I need and I project the rest. Fake it, till you make it. Being single for 6 years, has slowly created little dents in my confidence. Calm down feminists, I'm well aware that confidence has to come from within! But not being in a relationship for so long, has played it's part in the decline of my confidence. It's made me question, is it me? Am I the reason I've been on my own for so long? Am I not lovable? I do believe that the right person is out there. However, it doesn't stop the little snippets of doubt that sometimes pop up. The catch 22 is, you have to be confident in yourself, before you can add anyone else into the picture. The great news is, at least I'm halfway there.

2)Blogging is the Best - I absolutely love it 💖 There is soooooooo much I still need to learn and I still get a little panic button go off in my head, when I hear widget or plugins or SEO, but it's the best decision I've ever made for my life.  I love the purpose it's given me. I love the commitment I've made to it. I love engaging with the blogging community. I love that I have an outlet that involves writing. I love that it's introduced me to, looking into writing more than my blog. I love that its got me considering the ways I can help the Mental Health Community. But most importantly, I love that I jumped out of my comfort zone and did it. I created something and despite all fears put it out into the world. I’ve had a great response, which smile that's causing my jaw to ache. Even though I’m still in the beginner category, regarding followers of my blog & social media, I still feel so blessed with the support and response I've had so far. Some of my posts, have had 150 views and that makes me so proud. I have written something that people have read and even give positive comments on.

3) Goals - I’ve been setting goals of all sizes. Big ones for the future, little weekly ones. I've been setting goals as a way of, giving myself something to work towards and focus on. I make sure they're written down on my white board, or in my notebook that I carry with me, as a constant reminder, to get shit done. Start with small ones - like wake up 10 mins earlier every day. Creating goals, is helping me to hold myself accountable, whilst also teaching me to A) be grateful for achieving the smaller things as well as the big, B) To not be so hard on myself.  I've been smashing the goals I've set at an 80% success rate. Yes 100% would be amazing. But I need NOT beat myself up for that 20% . I tend to be quite hard on myself, for having even the smallest slips, so this is a good way to remind me, that I don't need to be a drill sergeant 100% of the time. My goals are set to help me up my game, not to make me feel like a failure about not being perfect all of the time.

4) Time - On one hand we say ”Slow down, take your time” and then on the other hand we say "Time waits for no man, you better get move on” Confused.com should use that as there slogan. At my age, the only thing I risk running out of time for, is babies. And yes, it would be sad if the clock struck me out on this one. But everything else I have time for.  I know we never know, when our last breath will be taken and we should be living life, like each day Is our last. But I don't think that means simply rushing through. We should be enjoying everything we can from it. Don't just work to pay bills. Don't just workout to only ever eat salad. There has to be some kind of enjoyment in life. Learn to enjoy spending time on your own. But don't forget to spend time with loved ones. Be focused, ambitious and driven, but don't get tunnel vision and forget to actually live the life your working so hard to create. Unless any of you know Marty Mcfly and Doc brown, you haven't got access to a delorean to go back and make up for lost time. So try and make the most of it now.

5) It's okay not to be okay - Cue Jessie J. I spend more time worrying about how to make sure I'm okay, so that I'm not a burden to anyone or to make sure I can be at work and do my job. When really I should be saying my two favourite words "Fuck it" I'm gonna have bad days, everybody is. I shouldn't be spending time arguing with myself about how to  push through them as quickly as possible, to suit the rest of the world. As long as I'm not going around punching people in the jaw, fuck how they feel about me having a bad day. Me spending time worrying about others people reactions, isn't helping me. If anything its making me worse. Feeling guilty for not being on top form, is crazy and yet so many of us do it. Because being selfish is second nature to many.

Knowing what I now know, about myself is a priceless gift. (Obviously, I'm still going to actually buy myself something because I like gifts) Having learnt the above, makes starting this journey all the more worthwhile. Baby steps will need to be taken, for the enormous leaps I plan on taking. If you've been following my blog from day 1 (which most of you won't because I was too scared to tell everyone until like day 20) or can count, you will know that this is my 30th post. For me that is my first major  milestone and proud doesn't even feel like a big enough word to describe how I feel about it. I may not be living my best life yet, but I've just written my 30th post, so you can be damn sure I'm on my way. 

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💗

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

There are many choices to be made in life. 

Big ones, small ones. Important ones, trivial ones. Life changing ones and insignificant ones.

Some are easier to make than others. Red or purple lipstick? Skirt or trousers? Krispy Kreme donut or Waitrose lemon yum yum? - this one has caused me some high levels of conflict at times, so I normally just end up buying both. Some are a little more challenging. Do I move to another country or stay put? Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Should I start my own business?

For some, decision making is a simple task. Look at the options and choose the one you want. Of course, this doesn't necessarily apply to all situations. There will always be scenarios, where the option you want, may not be the best thing for you, In which case, you'll have to dedicate more time to deliberation. I've been known, to take longer to make decisions than most - I tend to overthink things, which I'm now aware is a massive contributor to the anxiety and depression I've been known to suffer with. Having a million and one thoughts, going on at the same time, makes for a chaotic mind and a chaotic mind, struggles to focus. Now add trying to make a decision (of any size) into the mix and you have a brain of bedlam. The smallest choice can feel like it adds the weight of the world onto your shoulders. 

Now, I'm not saying that its impossible, to make a decision when my mind is all over the place. Just like I'm not saying that its easy to decide when my focus is on point. I'm simply addressing the struggle that can occur with decision making. Take my current dilemma for instance. I've been in my current job for a year now and I'm feeling like my unhappy levels are higher than my blood alcohol levels on a good night out. In spite of it not being the worst job I've ever had, there are quite a few situations, that occur almost daily, that make me question, if I'm wasting my time and adding more of a negative strain to my life than I need to be. There is also a sense of boredom that's been slowly creeping its way in for a while now. So, the ideal solution would be to leave. Problem solved right? Wrong? As soon as that solution popped into my head, the following questions came tumbling in.....

• Do I definitely want to leave this company? - I've only been here a year
• Is this an emotional decision or a logical one?
• Is going to another IT company going to make me any happier?

Then came

• Turning up everyday, to deal with this role and all it entails makes me unhappy. It has done for some time now. How much longer can I continue?
• I don't feel that I gain anything from this role, apart from working with some great people and a steady wage. 
• I'm concerned that the changes, management have promised to deliver will not materialize. 

I knew debating these pro's and con's would keep my mind involved in a mental game of tennis. What I didn't foresee, was the next Q and A session my mind engaged in

• Do I enjoy working in IT anymore?
• Now that I have started my blog and am loving writing, what would be the point of going for another IT role?
• Would staying with my current company, doing a job I already know, whilst trying to build up my blog - be the most sensible option?
• I'm unhappy were I currently work, so wouldn't it be wiser to go somewhere else? I can get so bogged down from negative emotions, that come from my current role, that I can struggle to keep motivated with the other aspects in my life.

Throughout my working life, I've steered towards jobs, that I could easily learn to do, just so that I had a steady pay check. They were not always jobs I was massively interested in, although, I did enjoy some of them and have gained some great friendships from them. None of them were jobs that were a least, a step in the right direction, of what I wanted to do. I had to learn to look after myself  from an early age. Ensuring I was making my own money, so that I didn't have to depend on anyone was my main priority. So, it didn't leave a great deal of room for finding my "dream job or career". I never even really took the time to consider what that may actually be. However, since, starting my blog, it has given me something I love doing (so much so, I drafted this post at work...shhhh). I would love to be able to blog or write as a career, but until I've gained some more experience, built up my blog and become more established, I still have bills to pay, places to travel to and books to buy. So I need to hold down a 9-5.

It's funny because, I started battling with all of the above questions a couple of weeks ago, racking my brain for all of the answers straight away - and they weren't coming. It would appear that the universe, wanted me to understand the gift of time. Time to mull over all of the questions that kept popping up. Time to think through the options and my thoughts on them. Time to consider the pro's and cons and slowly piece together my answer. 

Being a writer is the life I am going to end up in! I would normally say "want to end up in" but I'm putting it out into the universe, that because this is what I want, its what i'm going to have. Whether I manage 2 mins or 200 mins, I will do something daily, to get me to that goal. I don't just want to see my dreams when i'm sleeping. I know that it will not happen overnight. I also know that as long as I keep working at it, it will happen. But in the meantime, I need to figure out my day to day.

A company has contacted me about a role that has become available with them. I'm not going to say too much about that at this point, as I don't want to jinx it. However, after considering all of the above notions, I feel the best step I could take, is to meet with them to gain a better understanding of the requirements. I need to know if its something that I'm interested in. Only then will I be able to make the crucial decision....Should I stay or should I go?

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💖