16 July 2019

Fight or Flight

Today being the 1st of July (Well it was when I first started writing this post) can only mean one thing....


Photo by Ty Williams on Unsplash

There are now only 177 days, until I have to leave a note, explaining to Santa that there are no cookies left out for him because, quite frankly I don't share. To be fair he does most of his work in one night, so he's probably better of with a protein shake.

The 1st of July, officially signifies that we're half way through the year. 6 months ago, half of us we're cramming in those last wedges of Christmas cake, washing it  down with eggnog, whilst online shopping for running shoes and kettle bells. I didn't make any resolutions this year as I'm shit at sticking to them. Instead I made a pact with myself to simply make the effort  to live a better life. I'm happy to report, the pact didn't fall to shit by the 2nd Jan. I've achieved more than a couple of things in the first 6 months of 2019 that I'm super proud of

Photo by Gabriela Gutierrez on Unsplash

  • Dry Jan & Dry Feb 🀯
  • Started My Blog πŸ’“
  • Indoor wall climbing (without harnesses) 😨
  • Went to Geneva πŸ˜„
  • Started a skin care regime πŸ‘Œ
  • Realising the importance of Self-Love πŸ‘
  • Tried some new recipes πŸ˜‹

Obviously there are still things that I want/need to work on (like burning off this extra layer of "Thermal Muscle" surrounding my mid section) but I'm proud of the progress I have made so far. 

That's how the month started.....

By the 11th of July, things kind of turned on their ass. I fell into a mental health black hole. I was at home buried under a dark cloud of depression for 6 days. Honestly, I should've seen it coming. Over the last 10 weeks, I've been on an emotional roller coaster that would give Thorpe Park a run for its money. I've been stressed out, overly worried, exhausted and unhappy. Rather than taking the time out to process all of the things I already had going on, I just kept piling more on. I kept telling myself  "Push through it, it will be okay" or "Other people cope with shit going on, why cant you?" or  "There isn't time to deal with this now" The irony in the last one, is that I didn't think I had the time to look after myself. Cue The Mind Fuck twins stepping in to say "Bitch, I'm here, to make you, make time" and true to form I had to take a week off of work, to spend some time looking after myself.

That meant having to tell my job exactly what was going on. Which was scary as hell. You never know how people are going to take it when you tell them something like that. Will they judge me? Will they understand it? Will they tell other people? Will they look at me differently? Will they think I just need to pull myself together? Will they think I'm weak or lesser of a person? Telling them increased my vulnerability and made me worry more. Because essentially you take a risk, when telling people about your mental health. Especially work. Legally, they have to support you, but it doesn't take away the stigma that can sometimes be left in their minds. But I didn't want to lie to them and thankfully my workplace were supportive. They offered me counselling if needed and emphasized that I wasn't alone and that they would do whatever they could to support me throughout this time. I still worry that people will look at me differently, but that's something I need to get over. Anyone judging me for my state of mental health, is not someone  important enough for me to worry about their opinion.

The first few days, my mind was chaotic but I also felt completely numb. I was feeling quite defenseless. I've been doing my best to push away fear and doubt and yet they seemed to be surrounding me like the army of the dead surrounded Winterfell. I became so anxious I was making myself nauseous. My emotions were all over the place and I was beating myself up over that fact that I had let it get this bad. I was torn between wanting to give up on trying and wanting to fight. Thanks to some encouraging words from some lovely friends and family members,  my inner badass rocked up, told my weakness "Bye Felicia" and resumed its duties of upholding my strength.

As much as I didn't think I had the time to spare to look after myself, I'm glad I took the week off. It gave me the opportunity to take everything off of my plate and really look at what actually needed to go back on. It allowed me re-group and remember what I was trying to accomplish and what I was trying to fuck right off. By Thursday I was able to do a workout and get out into the garden to read a book. By Friday, I was in a better state of mind,  for when my Brother from Another Mother Prince πŸ’™ came to visit me. We sat chatting for hours and it was  really helpful. By Saturday I was able to go food shopping.

I read a quote that said "Don't focus on the staircase, focus on the step in front of you"

That resonated with me. I've been panicking about finding a new job, as I finish up my current one in 6 weeks. I've been rather unhappy, with it and feel that unhappiness has spilled into the rest of my life. So I've taken a leap of faith and decided to walk away. Of course, I'm shit scared! I don't have another job to go to...yet! But, this particular role (and I must stress its not the people, most of them are actually really lovely. okay half of them...lol) is stressful and draining in ways that it doesn't need to be. I'm excited about the prospect of finding something new. I have to keep reminding myself to be positive about the future and not let fear of not finding something eat away at me. Also, its a great opportunity to try something new. Maybe a totally different role or industry. The truth is apart from a steady wage and not seeing certain people everyday, I don't regret my decision. So onwards and upwards. Here's to taking a chance on myself. 

Moral of the story.... 



Make time for yourself. Nothing else will matter if you don't. They say you cant pour from an empty cup. You cant do anything with a broken one. I knew I should've taken time out, but I got so caught up with keeping things ticking over, with every new task or situation  I took on, I pushed myself further to the back of the line. This is "NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR" As of today, 16th July, I have slowed down but importantly I've calmed down. I've been doing more things that are beneficial for my well-being. Like what? you ask. I started watching some TED talks ( I KNOW, I'm super late) on looking after myself, have been listening to more jazz, watching a little less TV, applying for jobs without panic and eating a little better. I've also put myself on a teeny tiny booze ban. No, I'm not worried that I'll get through the worlds supply of Prosecco by the next world cup. It's more about better mental clarity & balanced blood sugars. Plus, its only for a week or so.

I'd like to give a shout out to my pal Linz. I met her at my last company and she lives is South Africa, so I only get to see her a couple of times a year (Or whenever someone can convince Brendan to pay for her ticket 🀣). I didn't realise she kept up with my blog.  A few weeks ago she sent me the most heart warming message, telling me that not only did she love my blog, that she found it helpful and  looked forward to new posts. She advised me to continue the great work. It meant the world to me, that not only had she taken the time out to tell me that, but also that my writing was doing more than just making people laugh. So thank you my darling linz. 😘

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbowπŸ’