Happiness or Happy Less

 I started this blog to document my pursuit of happiness.

To show my journey from simply existing, to living my best life. I'm 2 months in and thankfully, my lack of patience hasn't deluded me into thinking, I'd have all of the answers by now. In fact, despite not feeling my absolute best self at the moment, there has definitely been some valuable lessons learnt over the past 10 weeks.

1) Self Love - I never truly understood how much I actually should love myself. I mean if we were talking about masturbation, I love myself a hell of a lot on a regular basis. But actually loving me....I didn't realise how necessary it is. Loving myself enough to say No, more often. Loving myself enough to figure out and do what makes me happy. Loving myself enough to live my best life. I have my flaws like anybody else, but all in all I'm a pretty fucking amazing person - Negative thought patterns, that have been embedded over the past couple of decades, have caused me to catch a little amnesia about that fact. This has lead to bad decisions, putting up with shit in past relationships and not looking out for my best interest at all times. In short, I haven't had my own back, enough. Thankfully, I'm now aware of this and having that awareness has set me on the right path to reversing it. There are a couple of key areas I need to embrace as part of this journey. Starting with acceptance & effort.

Acceptance - Body Image, Anxiety & depression. Effort - Confidence. 

I've been in a battle over my looks, since as far back as I can remember. I’ve got a great set of legs and beautiful face, but have always wanted a flatter tummy and bigger boobs. Rather than celebrate the things I do like about myself, I've spent years concentrating on the things I don't. We all have areas that we find fault with, but there's a difference between finding fault with and stopping yourself from loving all of yourself. I have let perfection, distract me from what's important.  Yes, I want bigger boobs and a flatter tummy! But I've got legs for days and smile, that even I sometimes stare at. So it's time for me to shift my focus, to my sexy ass self as a whole, rather than only fixating on areas I want improved. To be fair a padded bra and some sit ups, wouldn't hurt the situation. 

My anxiety and depression are a definite inconvenience - I'm not even going to lie, they strike at the least favorable times. I used to think it only happened when I was feeling down. Then that shit started dropping even when I was happy. Piss take!! But, the mind fuck twins are also the reason behind a lot of my fight. They've made me into a warrior at times when I wasn't ready for war. They have thrown me into the deep and said "Sink or Swim?" Yes, at times, they give me a dose of  "I'm sad and I don't know why" like some narcissistic doctor, but that has also enabled me to be more understanding and compassionate to others who suffer.

My confidence have taken a knock. I know people that know me may say "Well she always smiling" or "She's very outgoing, so how could she possibly not be confident" To that I'd say, I have 50% of the confidence I need and I project the rest. Fake it, till you make it. Being single for 6 years, has slowly created little dents in my confidence. Calm down feminists, I'm well aware that confidence has to come from within! But not being in a relationship for so long, has played it's part in the decline of my confidence. It's made me question, is it me? Am I the reason I've been on my own for so long? Am I not lovable? I do believe that the right person is out there. However, it doesn't stop the little snippets of doubt that sometimes pop up. The catch 22 is, you have to be confident in yourself, before you can add anyone else into the picture. The great news is, at least I'm halfway there.

2)Blogging is the Best - I absolutely love it 💖 There is soooooooo much I still need to learn and I still get a little panic button go off in my head, when I hear widget or plugins or SEO, but it's the best decision I've ever made for my life.  I love the purpose it's given me. I love the commitment I've made to it. I love engaging with the blogging community. I love that I have an outlet that involves writing. I love that it's introduced me to, looking into writing more than my blog. I love that its got me considering the ways I can help the Mental Health Community. But most importantly, I love that I jumped out of my comfort zone and did it. I created something and despite all fears put it out into the world. I’ve had a great response, which smile that's causing my jaw to ache. Even though I’m still in the beginner category, regarding followers of my blog & social media, I still feel so blessed with the support and response I've had so far. Some of my posts, have had 150 views and that makes me so proud. I have written something that people have read and even give positive comments on.

3) Goals - I’ve been setting goals of all sizes. Big ones for the future, little weekly ones. I've been setting goals as a way of, giving myself something to work towards and focus on. I make sure they're written down on my white board, or in my notebook that I carry with me, as a constant reminder, to get shit done. Start with small ones - like wake up 10 mins earlier every day. Creating goals, is helping me to hold myself accountable, whilst also teaching me to A) be grateful for achieving the smaller things as well as the big, B) To not be so hard on myself.  I've been smashing the goals I've set at an 80% success rate. Yes 100% would be amazing. But I need NOT beat myself up for that 20% . I tend to be quite hard on myself, for having even the smallest slips, so this is a good way to remind me, that I don't need to be a drill sergeant 100% of the time. My goals are set to help me up my game, not to make me feel like a failure about not being perfect all of the time.

4) Time - On one hand we say ”Slow down, take your time” and then on the other hand we say "Time waits for no man, you better get move on” Confused.com should use that as there slogan. At my age, the only thing I risk running out of time for, is babies. And yes, it would be sad if the clock struck me out on this one. But everything else I have time for.  I know we never know, when our last breath will be taken and we should be living life, like each day Is our last. But I don't think that means simply rushing through. We should be enjoying everything we can from it. Don't just work to pay bills. Don't just workout to only ever eat salad. There has to be some kind of enjoyment in life. Learn to enjoy spending time on your own. But don't forget to spend time with loved ones. Be focused, ambitious and driven, but don't get tunnel vision and forget to actually live the life your working so hard to create. Unless any of you know Marty Mcfly and Doc brown, you haven't got access to a delorean to go back and make up for lost time. So try and make the most of it now.

5) It's okay not to be okay - Cue Jessie J. I spend more time worrying about how to make sure I'm okay, so that I'm not a burden to anyone or to make sure I can be at work and do my job. When really I should be saying my two favourite words "Fuck it" I'm gonna have bad days, everybody is. I shouldn't be spending time arguing with myself about how to  push through them as quickly as possible, to suit the rest of the world. As long as I'm not going around punching people in the jaw, fuck how they feel about me having a bad day. Me spending time worrying about others people reactions, isn't helping me. If anything its making me worse. Feeling guilty for not being on top form, is crazy and yet so many of us do it. Because being selfish is second nature to many.

Knowing what I now know, about myself is a priceless gift. (Obviously, I'm still going to actually buy myself something because I like gifts) Having learnt the above, makes starting this journey all the more worthwhile. Baby steps will need to be taken, for the enormous leaps I plan on taking. If you've been following my blog from day 1 (which most of you won't because I was too scared to tell everyone until like day 20) or can count, you will know that this is my 30th post. For me that is my first major  milestone and proud doesn't even feel like a big enough word to describe how I feel about it. I may not be living my best life yet, but I've just written my 30th post, so you can be damn sure I'm on my way. 

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💗

36 & Still Haven’t Got A Clue

Sooooooo, I’m really hoping I’m not the only person who has no clue as to what I am meant to be doing with my life. 

At the great age of 36, everybody around me seems to have it all figured out and be super happy and I feel like I’m sitting in the waiting room of life.  Not married, no kids and have been single since before the first episode of Game of Thrones aired.  I have no clue as to what I actually want to do career wise, so I started reading some articles to help me figure it out and they all say to focus on what you enjoy.  Unfortunately I haven't quite figured that out either. (I know right, you would think I was 6 rather than 36). The one thing I do remember liking when I was younger was writing but that was over 2 decades ago, so I have no idea if I’m actually any good at it anymore.  So I am simply going to swallow a “grow some balls pill” and start writing this blog.

I read an article by Penelope Trunk that said not to worry if nobody is reading your posts in the beginning, which may be for the best, i'm pretty sure my grammar is awful.  However rather than just writing in a diary I figure, I would try writing in public and see if its something I like doing or can do.  If not at least I would have faced my fears and tried something new.  I do not think there is going to be a specific subject I will be writing about, I can be quite a random person, so even I don’t know what to expect from my posts but for right now, that's kind of the point. Getting my random thoughts onto this page.

So where do I even begin. Let’s start with what led me to starting this blog.  I was colouring in my “Shit Happens” colouring in book, it really is stress relieving - today’s word was asshole.  I was trying to break up my day as I have been at home pretty much the whole weekend - its cold and even though I have finished dry Jan, I’m trying not to jump straight back into drinking massive amounts.  Some not great life choices were made in 2018 thanks to my good pal Prosecco. Still love that bitch though 😁.  So I am in hibernation mode, which is cool, but can be boring if there is not someone else there to wrap up in a blanket with.  Now I’m not saying you have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy hibernating, I’m saying that not having someone for over six years has meant I have a closer relationship with Ben & Jerry than I would like. But we have to make ourselves happy first - so I guess that’s where I am going to work harder to focus my attention. I am going to update this blog with all the random stuff I do this year in my pursuit of happiness (good & bad) and see what happens.