So Long 2019

I say it every year, but seriously....... this flew by. It's like I blinked in Dec 2018 and opened my eyes about to go into 2020.

Its seems crazy that in less than 48 hrs, at least 50% of us will be exchanging party clothes for gym wear. We'll be writing the date as 2019, before crossing it out for 2020 for at least... 2 months, whilst sending our easyjet apps into overload booking  holidays.

So as I'm wrapping up the end of another year, I've been looking back over the past 12 months. Looking back at the things I've enjoyed as well as the things I've learned. I've also taken note of the things I'd like to work on next year. Its been a tidal wave of a journey of experiences I never could have dreamed of or could have seen coming. But most importantly its given a sense of optimism for 2020. Great things are going to happen.
I thought I'd jot down a few highlights....

5 Things I'm Grateful for

• My Family
• Visiting Geneva
• Working on myself
• Eating meals with less or no meat
• Re-Kindling friendships and letting go of others

4 Things That Made Me Happy

• Trying Fondue
• Reading more
• Listening to Jazz Music
• Being Nominated for The Liebster Award

3 Things to work on in 2020

• Loving myself
• Yoga & Meditation (I know they're 2 different things, but...its my blog so .. yeah..lol)
• Learning Spanish

2 Things I Regret

• Not travelling as much as I'd have liked
• Overthinking

1 Epic Thing that came from 2019

• My Blog

As I've been stuck at home for whats felt like an eternity, there's not much else that's gone on in my life for me to write about. So I'm going to end this post and this year with a few quotes I've found inspirational. I wish you all loads of Love and loads of Laughs in 2020. May you smile more than you cry. May your focus be on point, your head and heart be at peace and may you be wrapped in a blanket of comfort so that loneliness cannot find its way into your life 😚

                        

Happy New Year Luvlies 

Have a great day, remember you're a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💖

Flying Solo

One of the scariest words in the English language is "Alone"

Is this because the term alone, is so heavily associated to loneliness? The perception seems to be that if we are alone, then we are lonely. When in reality, even if you are surrounded by people, you can still feel like you are alone. 

I have been delving into this more recently. I suffered with crippling loneliness for a long period of time. People assume that because I have a great family, an amazing circle of friends and pretty much have a smile tattooed to my face, that I couldn't possibly suffer with loneliness. But the actuality is, stuffing my face late at night to fill a void I wasn't aware I had, happened. Emotional & stress eating have been my biggest lesson into how I'm feeling. Up until recently, I'd spent the last few years drowning my feelings, in late night chocolate, cheesecake and crisp binges. 

I'm not totally out of that mindset yet, but I'm aware of it now and am working through it. The downsides to emotional eating are A) Not actually working through your feelings B) Weight gain. Now I know that working though my feelings, is the more important of the two, psychologically. However, It's the weight gain that hits me the hardest. I become unhappy with the way I look, leading to me becoming more isolated, therefore leading to feeling lonelier. Its like fat bastard said in Austin Powers...

                " I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat"


It truly is a vicious circle. One that can be broken, if you start to question why you're doing it. So that's what I did. Based on when, I was filling up on junk food, I was able to pinpoint that it was at mainly at times when I felt the loneliest. Times where I was at home, on my own, when all I wanted was to be out about in the world. I felt like I was missing out, because I didn't have anyone around, at the drop of a hat to socialize with. It took a few months of  mulling this over,  for the dimmer switch to start turning clockwise to brighten up that light bulb that had just gone off in my head. I wanted to turn it back anti-clockwise, because the thought that was occurring was a scary one....."How about you start doing stuff on your own?" Now as with all positive thoughts, there are a swarm of negative thoughts that can accompany them. People will think I'm a weirdo if I'm out on my own? I will be lonelier if I'm out surrounded by couples/groups? Whats if someone kidnaps me because I'm by yourself? (This one is more of a me thought. Honestly, with a right hook like mine, it shouldn't be a problem, but with films like Taken and Saw out there - you have to think about these things) So once I had navigated through the rational concerns, I knew what had to be done.

Now,  just because I had worked through those thoughts, it didn't make taking that first step any easier.  I knew how to be on my own......in the comfort of my own house, but to be in public, was a little different. Yes, we all have times of being on our own whilst in public, but that's usually attributed to meeting up with someone else. I had to get my head around leaving my house, to go and do an activity, knowing that no one else was joining me. So I started with baby steps (as I've mentioned in previous posts). 

Going to the cinema - an activity where you're in the dark and not going to be talking to anyone anyway. I will say its easier to do this earlier in the day. Less people around and if your lucky you get the whole screen to yourself. But definitely something I will be trying in the late evening, because why shouldn't I. Why should I feel restricted, to going at times where people wont see me on my own. People travel by themselves all of the time, they don't book morning flights so that less people see them alone on the plane.

So after my first few cinema trips, I did coffee - which actually really wasn't such a big deal for me, because I love to read. So why wouldn't I grab a chair in a coffee shop and get my read on. The most intimidating steps were lunch and dinner. I'm so used to eating with other people and having conversations - I felt a little nervous. But then,  I eat lunch at least 4 days a week, by myself catching up on my TV shows out of choice. So why was this any different? The truth is, its not. I merely needed to apply the theory of, if it doesn't bother me at work, it shouldn't bother me anywhere else. 

Here's the craziest part of this experiment....at least 5 out of 10 outings have resulted with me engaged in conversation with random people. (I know, stranger danger, but as previously stated I know what a throat punch is and am not afraid to use it).  I just end up starting or becoming apart of random conversations with people.  Now I get that, that could be easier for me than it is for others, because  I'm like BT and think its good to talk. But even if you are not a chatty Cathy, you never know where something as simple as a smile could take you. A single repartee could lead to you making a new friend. It could lead to a conversation, that reminds you that even though you came out with the intention of being by yourself, you still interacted with someone and sometimes that small interaction, can be the hammer to smash off another padlock to the cage of loneliness you are living in. On the other hand sometimes its just a day out to remind yourself, that every now and then, you should love spending some time by yourself. You never know when your life could change. 

I've been feeling a little overwhelmed recently, thankfully due to positive things going on. It feels like I'm juggling a lot, which has distracted my focus and calm. The awareness of this came from my eating habits becoming a little erratic. Its like my tummy shot a cannonball up to my tongue, with a post it attached reading " We know you like the taste, but spare a thought for the waist" So yesterday I woke up with one purpose. Spend some time, out by myself, to calm down. Here's how I did it...

1) Walk the Walk - Now I usually do this my by myself anyone. It gives me time to work through my thoughts, whilst getting in a bit of exercise. It was also a really sunny morning - giving me that little extra boost of serotonin. 

2) Nails - This was not meant to be on today's agenda , but one of them chipped and being as OCD as I am, it was a no brainer about getting it repaired. 

3) Starbucks & A Book - I am at that peak point in my current book - Mrs Fletcher by Tom Perrotta, where all I want to do is keep reading. Thankfully upon grabbing my short oat milk latte, there was a sofa available in the garden area of Starbucks, where sat I engrossed for 2 hours. 

4) Dinner - As I'd only had scrambled eggs and toast after my walk, I was more than slightly peckish by now. Seeing as Pizza express have brought back their Pollo Milanese - Breaded chicken with rockets and sun-dried tomatoes, this quickly became my nominated dinner location. Don't ask silly questions, of course I had the dough balls (I burned 650 calories that morning, it wasn't even a debate) and a cheeky glass off prosecco to go with it. Although that one was pizza's express fault. Their ice machine was broken so I couldn't have a sparkling water with ice and lemon. lol. I continued to read whilst eating and even though the restaurant started to fill up with people, I didn't feel like the odd one out. I was comfortable being on my own. 

5) Jazz Music - I had a a few things to take care of at home. The usual, seasoning meat, washing & ironing clothes, changing bed linens, getting my bag ready for work - weekly mundane tasks which I  started find to be more enjoyable if I have music or a podcast going in the background. I have been collecting a lot of Jazz play lists on YouTube, so I loaded a new one up and skipped my ass through my tasks. 

I was planning on watching a film in bed, but I fell asleep before I had even decided what to watch. I made a point of staying in bed this morning and watching the A-team , rather than jumping up and rushing though the day. Its the little reminders that we need to give ourselves that will have the most impact on our progress. I'm feeling calmer, I have more focus and feeling a lot more confident about dealing with this week. 

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💖

Slow Your Ass Down

I'm still sick 🙄 Didnt get chickenpox, measles or mumps as a child, but get taken out by a common cold now. 

Go figure. And yes, I’m aware I would have been better off getting chickenpox as a child, as opposed to getting it as an adult, but I'm an 80’s baby. Back then avoiding your kid scratching the blisters, so that they didn't incur the permanent scars was the biggest concern.

So yes, I'm still stuck at home fighting off this germ infestation. Thankfully I have a job that allows me to work from home and a boss that gives a shit. There are some plus sides to my current role. Despite this cold sending me into ultra brat mode, being sick does make you have to slow down. Which leads me to the question - was it so easy for me to get ill because I'm constantly on the go, not slowing down and taking the time to look after myself?  I don't mean becoming a lazy bastard and never moving from the sofa, but I get so caught up in running around at work making sure to get shit done - so much so that my mind normally doesn't even switch off from work related thoughts. Then I come home and am making sure everything is sorted here and in my personal life. I get so engrossed in making sure I'm getting everything done all of the time, I completely lose sight of the fact that you can't live like that all day every day. You have take time to zone out from it all.  If you just keep going at maximum speed all of the time, your mind becomes chaotic and then you stress yourself out and then before you know it the universe intervenes. Quite frankly I would rather the universe intervened with an all expenses paid holiday to Hawaii, (just putting that out there universe) but there you go.

In the event, that we have to take care of not overdoing it, to a point of destruction, ourselves, we need to remember how important it is to put ourselves first. We can easily be coaxed into making sure other people's needs are met and can completely lose sight of our own. Basically we need to be saying “FUCK EM” more. (I touched on this in an earlier post “Cartoons & Chocolate”) We are in charge of our own happiness and yes being ridiculously selfish is shitty. But being selfish enough to the point where your happiness and well being is not suffering is a necessity. Don't stay in that relationship that causes you pain because you don't want to upset the other person. Don't stay in that job that makes you miserable, because you don't want to put other people out by leaving or are scared of taking a chance on something new or following your dream. We only get one life. There are no do-overs and one of the biggest heart breakers in the world is regret. We should be aiming to live our best life at all times. And yes life circumstances can make, making these changes difficult - kids, bills, living arrangements -  I get that. But if you have to stay, let it be for those reasons and only until  you can come up with a plan on how to leave. Do not let fear of the unknown keep you in that dark place. Realising that we all deserve to live the best lives we can (I say we all, but not paedophiles - in my eyes, they don’t deserve shit - and yes that may be controversial and hypocritical but on this particular subject, I couldn’t give a fuck) takes practise. It takes remembering all of the time, that if you do not make yourself the priority in your life, your not living your life for you, and therefore what is the point in that. 

So as I sit here blowing my nose for what feels like the 100th time, I am reminding myself to stop running myself into the ground for others, that it wears me down to the point of getting ill. I will keep helping obviously,  but not at the expense of my health or happiness. Or my waist line - stress eating is well real. Don't believe me? You should see my snack cupboard. 

As I have finished working for the day, I am going to wrap myself up in my favourite fleece blanket and sprawl out on the sofa and watch Homeland. Yes, I know I'm late, but I had to get through Peaky blinders 😆 Mmmmm Tom Shelby 😍

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow ❤️

Connect With The Life You Want

My pursuit of happiness is not just about trying new recipes and keeping fit. I am looking at all aspects of my life to see where I can make changes for the better.

I have been listening to a couple of different podcasts recently, to help with gaining clarity, positivity and re-training my beliefs in myself to undo negative thinking. My CEO life by Ashley Rae is now apart of my morning routine and I’m loving it.  I have a few more that I have added to my library that I want to check out. Happier with Gretchen Rubin, The Chalene Show & The Tony Robbins Show. I have found listening to these podcasts in times of uncertainty, doubt fear and even when happy and just want to hear positive vibes very valuable. They have become a productive tool at giving me guidance and assistance in the form of positive affirmations, setting goals, making plans for my future and helping me towards figuring out, what I want to do with my life and where I want it to go. I don’t have all the answers yet, obviously, but little by little pieces are falling into place. 

I have also come across some YouTube videos from Marissa Peer, that I have found useful and will be adding them to my archive of helpful tools. I think she might be the chick my BFF Rooley told me about.  Its crazy that we are taught, that its crazy to rely so heavily, on the changing of mindsets to effectively change our lives. I’m not saying that in the 3 weeks I have been working with these methods, my life is suddenly all great and I’m a changed person doing amazingly different. But I will say, I have felt a slight shift, even just with keeping up with this writing this blog for my now 16th entry. I’m still get exited about writing it and now its got me thinking about whether I could actually write other stuff. I didnt have that want a month ago. So I’m grateful for that small change. These methods have given me positive reinforcements to dream past what was only a thought 20 days ago.  They remind me to face my fears when contemplating descisions that scare me.  They prompt me to remember that even when I’m not feeling like it, I’m still a bad ass.  Sometimes all we need,  is to remember that we are gangsta like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. 

I have also started practising meditation.  God knows I need to bring a shit load of calm to my life. I can be a tad eccentric at times 😆  I need to work on focussing & slowing down my mind.  There’s a lot going on in that dome located at the top of me.  Meditation is to my mind what HIIT workouts are to my body.  Both will need an effort from me and regular practice if they are going to work.

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don’t let anybody shit on your rainbow ❤

Be Your Own Cheerleader

I have been super stressing, about not being able to come up with an entry for today.

Its had me worried that I managed a whole week, but that maybe it was pot luck and  I actually have no clue about what I am doing. I have been so proud of every entry I have posted over the last 8 days. But not knowing what to write about all day today has got me doubting why I even bothered starting this blog. So I thought I would check out Pinterest (looking at shoes, desserts and holiday spots really does cheer me up) and I came across a blog that had some great posts about blogging as a beginner.

It made me realise the below  

A) I have only been doing this for a week - So if i’m nowhere near perfect thats ok

B) This a something for me. Something I did to make me happier - I love that I have stepped out of my comfort zone and  am sharing it, but its something I am doing for myself first and the world second.

C) I need to stop worrying about what people may think of it or say about it - truth is not everyone will like it. But some people will love it - All I need to focus on is writing it. But you get protective over things you put your heart into and are proud of.  Plus there are some serious c**ts in the world. (Im not quite ready to fully drop a C Bomb on here just yet. Don’t worry give it time. Someone will piss me off enough)

D) The most important one of all - Enjoy it. Stop stressing over not being able to post something everyday (although managing to write this post has  kind of smashed todays problem) I have been excited about writing this all week - lets not let fear and worry trample all over that.  Below are a couple of quotes that have helped me today.

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don’t let anyone shit on your rainbow ❤

Positive Reinforcements

It occurred to me today that I am on a pursuit of happiness over the next year, but I could end up being sadder than when I started. 

We have no control over the unforeseen circumstances, that can arise to turn our worlds upside down. We can only control how we deal with them.  I am trying to do whatever I can to create a happier lifestyle, rather than coasting through the sub-par rat race I'm currently engaged in.  Please don't get me wrong my life isn't awful, I just feel I am doing more existing than living and that's the kind of shit regrets are made of. But what if on my journey to be better version of myself, things goes tits up and I end up worse off.

There are a few things I need to work on within this little adventure - focus, self love, facing fears, trying new things, body confidence.  What if I do not achieve any of them?What if whilst trying to improve the above I fall flat on my ass? The truth is I might fail. The truth also is, I wont know until I have actually tried and worrying about failing at this point is a product of  negative thoughts. Now these little motherfuckers creep up when you need them the absolute least.  If you do not learn how to banish them, like Romeo was from Verona, they can have the worst impact on your day to day life. Good news, there is an antidote. Positive thinking 😄 Bad news, like everything worth anything, you have to put in the work to train your mind differently and that can take time.  If you're anything like me and impatience is your nemesis, this will sucks balls 😒 I'm well aware that  putting in a consistent effort to get to where I want to be,  will help me to  appreciate my end destination. My problem is I want it now and that's just not going to happen. Not unless Morpheus has come up with a third pill I don't know about. 

So seeing as though its going to be another baby steps situation of me making small changes everyday, I'm going to acknowledge the things I did today to add some positive elements to my life.

Walk the Walk😊 - A 10k walk I did this morning and have done every Saturday this year so far.  I started it in 2017 and did it every week barring 3. I slacked off quite a bit last year, but I'm back on it this year. Despite the sun shining brightly, it was not bikini weather, but I still got out there and got it done as you can see below

Garlic & Honey Prawns - I tried a new recipe again today.  Again it was a very simple one, but it tasted amaze balls. I had some tenderstem broccoli which I sauteed in sesame seed oil and garlic. (Seriously, what rock have I been living under that I have only just tried cooking with sesame seed oil today).  I literally could have eaten just a bowl of the broccoli cooked in that.

Blog - So if you have been reading my posts for the last 7 days, you will notice I now have a different theme. I spent a good few hours playing around with this (I can be a little bit indecisive), but I am loving the new look. Red is my favorite colour, in case my hair and lipstick didn't give that away. 

So all in all I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I guess the point I need to remember is, positivity is not going to come easily everyday, so some days I'm going to have to work harder at boosting it. 

Can I just say, that if anyone reading this is having a bad day or a negative thought day, it is temporary. If  you can find something positive to do, no matter how small, do it. But if you're feeling so low, it feels like your head is on the ground, lift it just a little bit. That's a good enough first step. I know you might say its easy for me to say that, sitting on my positive perch today. But believe me, I know what its like to sit on the lowest step. The step that you just don't have it in you to get up from.  The one that keeps you so low, the only peace you get, is when your are locked away in a room, under a blanket, sleeping, because all the things/thoughts that are making you low have stopped for those few hours your eyes are closed. So like I said, just lift a little at at time. 

I have not spent the whole day watching Lego cartoons as I thought I would but all in all have still had a good day and am looking forward to my lie in tomorrow.

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anyone shit on your rainbow 💓

Facing the Fear

So I got through my first post, which I was pretty proud of and then the fear set in. 

What if I can only write one good post? What if the novelty had worn off by the time I had woken up this morning? What if this is a big mistake? Pretty much the usual feelings that cause me to back away from things that are out of my comfort zone. The fear of failure. The fear of putting myself out there for the world to see.  The fear of putting my everything into something and it not working out the way I planned or worse, leaves me worse off than before I started.  I’m scared of all of these things regarding this blog because I am actually quite excited about writing this blog. 

 The same fears can be applied to other aspects of life and the fear of the way things may turn out can stop you doing them. Cooking - what if the dish doesn’t look like it does in the picture? What if my cooking kills someone?(I mean not mine, I’m a pretty good cook) Traveling - especially on my own. I’ve seen Taken. My dads great but I’m not sure if he is Liam Neeson great. Who am I kidding he probably is. 😁

Having been single as long as I have, I have had to face the fear of doing things on my own so that I do not miss out, but it can be difficult at first. Going to the cinema on my own wasn’t the worst because I don’t really talk whilst watching films anyway.  But going to lunch/dinner or for a drink in a new bar I wanted to check out, that took a while. Then there was my first overnight stay at a hotel.  FYI The Courthouse Shoreditch - nice hotel. That was hard, watching other couples and groups, but after I had done it, I was glad I had. Would I  book another overnight stay on my own? Yes, I like staying in nice hotels. Would I prefer to have the company of a nice gentleman who I can spend my  time there with naked? of course.  The point is I bit the bullet and now know that I can and probably will do it again. Next I will pluck up the courage to go on my first holiday on my own. 


There are so many fears (some legit and some a little crazy) that have stopped or delayed me doing things and I think that's played its part in me being where I am now with not fully knowing who I am and what I truly want.  So facing my fears has to be part of this journey.  Let’s not get it twisted I am not going bungee jumping tomorrow but I am going to start with trying to not be scared with how this blog may turn out and just keep writing it.  Just keep getting my random madness out there and see where it takes me.