Flying Solo

One of the scariest words in the English language is "Alone"

Is this because the term alone, is so heavily associated to loneliness? The perception seems to be that if we are alone, then we are lonely. When in reality, even if you are surrounded by people, you can still feel like you are alone. 

I have been delving into this more recently. I suffered with crippling loneliness for a long period of time. People assume that because I have a great family, an amazing circle of friends and pretty much have a smile tattooed to my face, that I couldn't possibly suffer with loneliness. But the actuality is, stuffing my face late at night to fill a void I wasn't aware I had, happened. Emotional & stress eating have been my biggest lesson into how I'm feeling. Up until recently, I'd spent the last few years drowning my feelings, in late night chocolate, cheesecake and crisp binges. 

I'm not totally out of that mindset yet, but I'm aware of it now and am working through it. The downsides to emotional eating are A) Not actually working through your feelings B) Weight gain. Now I know that working though my feelings, is the more important of the two, psychologically. However, It's the weight gain that hits me the hardest. I become unhappy with the way I look, leading to me becoming more isolated, therefore leading to feeling lonelier. Its like fat bastard said in Austin Powers...

                " I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat"


It truly is a vicious circle. One that can be broken, if you start to question why you're doing it. So that's what I did. Based on when, I was filling up on junk food, I was able to pinpoint that it was at mainly at times when I felt the loneliest. Times where I was at home, on my own, when all I wanted was to be out about in the world. I felt like I was missing out, because I didn't have anyone around, at the drop of a hat to socialize with. It took a few months of  mulling this over,  for the dimmer switch to start turning clockwise to brighten up that light bulb that had just gone off in my head. I wanted to turn it back anti-clockwise, because the thought that was occurring was a scary one....."How about you start doing stuff on your own?" Now as with all positive thoughts, there are a swarm of negative thoughts that can accompany them. People will think I'm a weirdo if I'm out on my own? I will be lonelier if I'm out surrounded by couples/groups? Whats if someone kidnaps me because I'm by yourself? (This one is more of a me thought. Honestly, with a right hook like mine, it shouldn't be a problem, but with films like Taken and Saw out there - you have to think about these things) So once I had navigated through the rational concerns, I knew what had to be done.

Now,  just because I had worked through those thoughts, it didn't make taking that first step any easier.  I knew how to be on my own......in the comfort of my own house, but to be in public, was a little different. Yes, we all have times of being on our own whilst in public, but that's usually attributed to meeting up with someone else. I had to get my head around leaving my house, to go and do an activity, knowing that no one else was joining me. So I started with baby steps (as I've mentioned in previous posts). 

Going to the cinema - an activity where you're in the dark and not going to be talking to anyone anyway. I will say its easier to do this earlier in the day. Less people around and if your lucky you get the whole screen to yourself. But definitely something I will be trying in the late evening, because why shouldn't I. Why should I feel restricted, to going at times where people wont see me on my own. People travel by themselves all of the time, they don't book morning flights so that less people see them alone on the plane.

So after my first few cinema trips, I did coffee - which actually really wasn't such a big deal for me, because I love to read. So why wouldn't I grab a chair in a coffee shop and get my read on. The most intimidating steps were lunch and dinner. I'm so used to eating with other people and having conversations - I felt a little nervous. But then,  I eat lunch at least 4 days a week, by myself catching up on my TV shows out of choice. So why was this any different? The truth is, its not. I merely needed to apply the theory of, if it doesn't bother me at work, it shouldn't bother me anywhere else. 

Here's the craziest part of this experiment....at least 5 out of 10 outings have resulted with me engaged in conversation with random people. (I know, stranger danger, but as previously stated I know what a throat punch is and am not afraid to use it).  I just end up starting or becoming apart of random conversations with people.  Now I get that, that could be easier for me than it is for others, because  I'm like BT and think its good to talk. But even if you are not a chatty Cathy, you never know where something as simple as a smile could take you. A single repartee could lead to you making a new friend. It could lead to a conversation, that reminds you that even though you came out with the intention of being by yourself, you still interacted with someone and sometimes that small interaction, can be the hammer to smash off another padlock to the cage of loneliness you are living in. On the other hand sometimes its just a day out to remind yourself, that every now and then, you should love spending some time by yourself. You never know when your life could change. 

I've been feeling a little overwhelmed recently, thankfully due to positive things going on. It feels like I'm juggling a lot, which has distracted my focus and calm. The awareness of this came from my eating habits becoming a little erratic. Its like my tummy shot a cannonball up to my tongue, with a post it attached reading " We know you like the taste, but spare a thought for the waist" So yesterday I woke up with one purpose. Spend some time, out by myself, to calm down. Here's how I did it...

1) Walk the Walk - Now I usually do this my by myself anyone. It gives me time to work through my thoughts, whilst getting in a bit of exercise. It was also a really sunny morning - giving me that little extra boost of serotonin. 

2) Nails - This was not meant to be on today's agenda , but one of them chipped and being as OCD as I am, it was a no brainer about getting it repaired. 

3) Starbucks & A Book - I am at that peak point in my current book - Mrs Fletcher by Tom Perrotta, where all I want to do is keep reading. Thankfully upon grabbing my short oat milk latte, there was a sofa available in the garden area of Starbucks, where sat I engrossed for 2 hours. 

4) Dinner - As I'd only had scrambled eggs and toast after my walk, I was more than slightly peckish by now. Seeing as Pizza express have brought back their Pollo Milanese - Breaded chicken with rockets and sun-dried tomatoes, this quickly became my nominated dinner location. Don't ask silly questions, of course I had the dough balls (I burned 650 calories that morning, it wasn't even a debate) and a cheeky glass off prosecco to go with it. Although that one was pizza's express fault. Their ice machine was broken so I couldn't have a sparkling water with ice and lemon. lol. I continued to read whilst eating and even though the restaurant started to fill up with people, I didn't feel like the odd one out. I was comfortable being on my own. 

5) Jazz Music - I had a a few things to take care of at home. The usual, seasoning meat, washing & ironing clothes, changing bed linens, getting my bag ready for work - weekly mundane tasks which I  started find to be more enjoyable if I have music or a podcast going in the background. I have been collecting a lot of Jazz play lists on YouTube, so I loaded a new one up and skipped my ass through my tasks. 

I was planning on watching a film in bed, but I fell asleep before I had even decided what to watch. I made a point of staying in bed this morning and watching the A-team , rather than jumping up and rushing though the day. Its the little reminders that we need to give ourselves that will have the most impact on our progress. I'm feeling calmer, I have more focus and feeling a lot more confident about dealing with this week. 

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💖