I started this blog to document my pursuit of happiness.
To show my journey from simply existing, to living my best life. I'm 2 months in and thankfully, my lack of patience hasn't deluded me into thinking, I'd have all of the answers by now. In fact, despite not feeling my absolute best self at the moment, there has definitely been some valuable lessons learnt over the past 10 weeks.
Acceptance - Body Image, Anxiety & depression. Effort - Confidence.
My anxiety and depression are a definite inconvenience - I'm not even going to lie, they strike at the least favorable times. I used to think it only happened when I was feeling down. Then that shit started dropping even when I was happy. Piss take!! But, the mind fuck twins are also the reason behind a lot of my fight. They've made me into a warrior at times when I wasn't ready for war. They have thrown me into the deep and said "Sink or Swim?" Yes, at times, they give me a dose of "I'm sad and I don't know why" like some narcissistic doctor, but that has also enabled me to be more understanding and compassionate to others who suffer.
My confidence have taken a knock. I know people that know me may say "Well she always smiling" or "She's very outgoing, so how could she possibly not be confident" To that I'd say, I have 50% of the confidence I need and I project the rest. Fake it, till you make it. Being single for 6 years, has slowly created little dents in my confidence. Calm down feminists, I'm well aware that confidence has to come from within! But not being in a relationship for so long, has played it's part in the decline of my confidence. It's made me question, is it me? Am I the reason I've been on my own for so long? Am I not lovable? I do believe that the right person is out there. However, it doesn't stop the little snippets of doubt that sometimes pop up. The catch 22 is, you have to be confident in yourself, before you can add anyone else into the picture. The great news is, at least I'm halfway there.
3) Goals - I’ve been setting goals of all sizes. Big ones for the future, little weekly ones. I've been setting goals as a way of, giving myself something to work towards and focus on. I make sure they're written down on my white board, or in my notebook that I carry with me, as a constant reminder, to get shit done. Start with small ones - like wake up 10 mins earlier every day. Creating goals, is helping me to hold myself accountable, whilst also teaching me to A) be grateful for achieving the smaller things as well as the big, B) To not be so hard on myself. I've been smashing the goals I've set at an 80% success rate. Yes 100% would be amazing. But I need NOT beat myself up for that 20% . I tend to be quite hard on myself, for having even the smallest slips, so this is a good way to remind me, that I don't need to be a drill sergeant 100% of the time. My goals are set to help me up my game, not to make me feel like a failure about not being perfect all of the time.
4) Time - On one hand we say ”Slow down, take your time” and then on the other hand we say "Time waits for no man, you better get move on” Confused.com should use that as there slogan. At my age, the only thing I risk running out of time for, is babies. And yes, it would be sad if the clock struck me out on this one. But everything else I have time for. I know we never know, when our last breath will be taken and we should be living life, like each day Is our last. But I don't think that means simply rushing through. We should be enjoying everything we can from it. Don't just work to pay bills. Don't just workout to only ever eat salad. There has to be some kind of enjoyment in life. Learn to enjoy spending time on your own. But don't forget to spend time with loved ones. Be focused, ambitious and driven, but don't get tunnel vision and forget to actually live the life your working so hard to create. Unless any of you know Marty Mcfly and Doc brown, you haven't got access to a delorean to go back and make up for lost time. So try and make the most of it now.
5) It's okay not to be okay - Cue Jessie J. I spend more time worrying about how to make sure I'm okay, so that I'm not a burden to anyone or to make sure I can be at work and do my job. When really I should be saying my two favourite words "Fuck it" I'm gonna have bad days, everybody is. I shouldn't be spending time arguing with myself about how to push through them as quickly as possible, to suit the rest of the world. As long as I'm not going around punching people in the jaw, fuck how they feel about me having a bad day. Me spending time worrying about others people reactions, isn't helping me. If anything its making me worse. Feeling guilty for not being on top form, is crazy and yet so many of us do it. Because being selfish is second nature to many.
Knowing what I now know, about myself is a priceless gift. (Obviously, I'm still going to actually buy myself something because I like gifts) Having learnt the above, makes starting this journey all the more worthwhile. Baby steps will need to be taken, for the enormous leaps I plan on taking. If you've been following my blog from day 1 (which most of you won't because I was too scared to tell everyone until like day 20) or can count, you will know that this is my 30th post. For me that is my first major milestone and proud doesn't even feel like a big enough word to describe how I feel about it. I may not be living my best life yet, but I've just written my 30th post, so you can be damn sure I'm on my way.
Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow💗