Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

There are many choices to be made in life. 

Big ones, small ones. Important ones, trivial ones. Life changing ones and insignificant ones.

Some are easier to make than others. Red or purple lipstick? Skirt or trousers? Krispy Kreme donut or Waitrose lemon yum yum? - this one has caused me some high levels of conflict at times, so I normally just end up buying both. Some are a little more challenging. Do I move to another country or stay put? Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Should I start my own business?

For some, decision making is a simple task. Look at the options and choose the one you want. Of course, this doesn't necessarily apply to all situations. There will always be scenarios, where the option you want, may not be the best thing for you, In which case, you'll have to dedicate more time to deliberation. I've been known, to take longer to make decisions than most - I tend to overthink things, which I'm now aware is a massive contributor to the anxiety and depression I've been known to suffer with. Having a million and one thoughts, going on at the same time, makes for a chaotic mind and a chaotic mind, struggles to focus. Now add trying to make a decision (of any size) into the mix and you have a brain of bedlam. The smallest choice can feel like it adds the weight of the world onto your shoulders. 

Now, I'm not saying that its impossible, to make a decision when my mind is all over the place. Just like I'm not saying that its easy to decide when my focus is on point. I'm simply addressing the struggle that can occur with decision making. Take my current dilemma for instance. I've been in my current job for a year now and I'm feeling like my unhappy levels are higher than my blood alcohol levels on a good night out. In spite of it not being the worst job I've ever had, there are quite a few situations, that occur almost daily, that make me question, if I'm wasting my time and adding more of a negative strain to my life than I need to be. There is also a sense of boredom that's been slowly creeping its way in for a while now. So, the ideal solution would be to leave. Problem solved right? Wrong? As soon as that solution popped into my head, the following questions came tumbling in.....

• Do I definitely want to leave this company? - I've only been here a year
• Is this an emotional decision or a logical one?
• Is going to another IT company going to make me any happier?

Then came

• Turning up everyday, to deal with this role and all it entails makes me unhappy. It has done for some time now. How much longer can I continue?
• I don't feel that I gain anything from this role, apart from working with some great people and a steady wage. 
• I'm concerned that the changes, management have promised to deliver will not materialize. 

I knew debating these pro's and con's would keep my mind involved in a mental game of tennis. What I didn't foresee, was the next Q and A session my mind engaged in

• Do I enjoy working in IT anymore?
• Now that I have started my blog and am loving writing, what would be the point of going for another IT role?
• Would staying with my current company, doing a job I already know, whilst trying to build up my blog - be the most sensible option?
• I'm unhappy were I currently work, so wouldn't it be wiser to go somewhere else? I can get so bogged down from negative emotions, that come from my current role, that I can struggle to keep motivated with the other aspects in my life.

Throughout my working life, I've steered towards jobs, that I could easily learn to do, just so that I had a steady pay check. They were not always jobs I was massively interested in, although, I did enjoy some of them and have gained some great friendships from them. None of them were jobs that were a least, a step in the right direction, of what I wanted to do. I had to learn to look after myself  from an early age. Ensuring I was making my own money, so that I didn't have to depend on anyone was my main priority. So, it didn't leave a great deal of room for finding my "dream job or career". I never even really took the time to consider what that may actually be. However, since, starting my blog, it has given me something I love doing (so much so, I drafted this post at work...shhhh). I would love to be able to blog or write as a career, but until I've gained some more experience, built up my blog and become more established, I still have bills to pay, places to travel to and books to buy. So I need to hold down a 9-5.

It's funny because, I started battling with all of the above questions a couple of weeks ago, racking my brain for all of the answers straight away - and they weren't coming. It would appear that the universe, wanted me to understand the gift of time. Time to mull over all of the questions that kept popping up. Time to think through the options and my thoughts on them. Time to consider the pro's and cons and slowly piece together my answer. 

Being a writer is the life I am going to end up in! I would normally say "want to end up in" but I'm putting it out into the universe, that because this is what I want, its what i'm going to have. Whether I manage 2 mins or 200 mins, I will do something daily, to get me to that goal. I don't just want to see my dreams when i'm sleeping. I know that it will not happen overnight. I also know that as long as I keep working at it, it will happen. But in the meantime, I need to figure out my day to day.

A company has contacted me about a role that has become available with them. I'm not going to say too much about that at this point, as I don't want to jinx it. However, after considering all of the above notions, I feel the best step I could take, is to meet with them to gain a better understanding of the requirements. I need to know if its something that I'm interested in. Only then will I be able to make the crucial decision....Should I stay or should I go?

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don't let anybody shit on your rainbow 💖