Dating Detail

So today a guy added me on Instagram.  I don’t know him, but we have a couple of mutual friends so I thought I would check out his page to see who he was.

He is listed as a dating coach - advice for guys and ladies, so I decided to watch some of his videos. God knows I could use the help.😁 So I started watching his videos from the top of the page (the most recent) and I was hooked watching one after the other.  Now you may be led to believe that this was due to his abundance of insightful wisdom, but you would be wrong.  It was because I was so shocked at the impression of dating he was giving off. His opinion suggested that guys (more so than girls) need not bother putting in any effort. That it wasn’t necessary taking ladies out to dinner for a first date as you didnt know if they were going to stick around anyway.  He encouraged the thought pattern that this is real life and not the movies, which put forth a view that  romance and chivalry are a waste of time. Grantedly its not all heart emoji’s, rainbows and fairytale endings, but I refuse to believe there cant be any element of happily ever after in there somewhere. Of course real life relationships have there ups and down - shit takes work. But that shouldn’t defy the love story. It shouldn’t stop us texting just to say “thinking of you” or doing something nice for someone you know they will appreciate. Effort is one of the most necessary contributions to any relationship. It doesn’t have to be spending massive amounts of money or professing your love all over social media.  As long as your effort lets the other person know you are making that effort for them. 

Now for someone like myself who will be hopefully be dating again before we get flying cars - hearing these views from this guy, sent me through a world of emotions. Shock. Anger. Disappointment. Shocked that someone appears to be telling guys, not to place a high value on women. Angry - at the lack of respect for dating women. Disappointed that he was putting out a message that romance wasn’t necessary. Yes, romance is necessary! From both sides. It shouldnt all fall to men. Women need to do there part too. It cant just be down to the guy to put on this big show of impression for girls. We need to impress them too. Ladies you dont deserve  a 50/50 relationship if you aren’t pitching in your half. 

Now, he made a good point, in regards to continuously taking a girl out if things aren’t going anywhere, or if she appears to be in it, just to get taken out to dinner and for the free food. I believe no matter what you do for a first date, a guy should pay. Its gentlemanly. But I don’t think its fair for either party to assume a guy should pay for everything all the time. Even if a guy wants to pay for everything you do together, a girl should make a point of paying for them both at least some of the time. Its only fair and shows an investment to the relationship from both sides. Bearing in mind, there are situations that acceptions can be made. For example you may have kids and the woman may have to stay at home and no longer work whilst the man financially provides, so technically he will be  paying for everything, but you are raising kids and running a home. To be clear,  this acception  works both ways. Women making that paper whilst men make that pot roast.

So after watching 5 or 6 of this guys videos,  I couldn’t understand why he felt he was someone that should be giving dating advice - especially advice that I felt was tailored for guys to basically help them bang, with minimal effort. Needless, to say I didnt think there was any need for me to accept this follow request.

However, I carried on watching  his videos and as much as I do not agree with some of the of the things he says, I can definitely appreciate some of the guidance he has given. He talked about Validation. Girls or guys -  letting someone know that you are 100% into them to early on. If you are always available to someone, there is no chase and the other person (9 times out of 10) will begin to lose interest. He made a point by saying hold back and don’t be the one that’s always chasing the other person all the time. Let them do some of the work.  Now this sounds obvious - but you would be surprised how many girls and guys (I have been guilty of it myself in the past) have become smitten so fast you forget that life existed before this person. You aim all of your attention into this person trying to draw them in when in actuality you’re pushing them away. Neediness is as unattractive to girls as it is to guys.

He gave some good insight into reasons why guys may be online dating. Also about how the types of photos we upload compared to how we look in real life , can be classed as false advertising and can also be leading to our downfall when meeting up in person.  I wasn’t a fan of his “If a girl doesn’t put out in 2 link ups drop her out”  but I can understand his views on the 90 day rule. Yes, I believe if I am worth it to a guy, he should wait. On that same hand, if a guy is worth it to me at day 30  why shouldn’t I be slipping into some lingerie only for him to rip it off. I’m all for not rushing into anything and getting to know someone, before putting my mattress to work, I’m not sure you can put a generic amount of time on it. The time should be when you are both ready.

So in conclusion, I have learnt today, that dating is still as difficult as fuck. But also, not to judge a book by its first few insta videos. If I had, my opinion of this guy and his advise would be all negative when actually, I dont agree with all of it, but he does have some good observations, which even I could learn from. So I am going to accept his request as I would like to see what else he has to say

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don’t let anyone shit on your rainbow ❤

Cartoons & Chocolate

They say you shouldn’t wish your life away and its true, you never know how long you have left. But I was happier than a hooker with a negative  STD test result when it hit 5:30 today. 

I literally ran out of work so fast I saw The Flash behind me.  This hurricane Katrina weather and February still being a ‘broke from christmas’ month has got me housebound and happy with it.  I have my walk to do tomorrow (weather dependent) but if not, Sky has considerately just set up the Lego channel, running back to back Lego cartooons.  Between that and the M&S chocolate and hazelnut bar I bought today my weekend is set. Kind of easy to see why I am still single right? Nope, struggling to see it, me too.  Seriously though if a guy cannot accept my love of cartoons and chocolate, please send a return to sender address as your application to date me will be denied.  

The truth is I had been in back to back long term relationships since I was 21.  Even when my last courtship ended I didn’t know how to be on my own, so I kept trying to date so I wouldn’t have to be.  After about 18 months of only first dates,  It occurred to me that maybe I needed to be on my own, so I stopped dating for 2 years.  Then started on and off 2 years ago. What I have come to realise, is that simply stopping dating wasn’t enough.  I should have been learning about myself. Learning who I was, what I wanted and more importantly what I deserved.  But I didn’t and it has led to what feels like a millennium of being on my own and often feeling wrapped from head to toe in a lonely blanket.  

So when I started dating again last year,  nothing was really working out.  Partially because I didn’t know enough about me or love enough about me, to be dating the right men.  Some of the guys I met, turned out to be friends to this day.  Some of them turned out to be guys there was just no connection with.  Some turned out to be such dickheads you consider calling in a black ops team take them out.  Now you will notice I said connection  and not spark.  I always thought dating had to be all about the spark, all about the fireworks.  But I want a relationship not a Bonfire night. Of course you should want to rip someone’s clothes off, but if that's all there is, it may make for a great booty call but probably nothing more meaningful and lasting than that.  Let me be as clear as Volvic water, there is nothing wrong with a booty call.  Netflix and chill did not fall off the back of a lorry. It was birthed from the “We are just fucking and maybe ordering a pizza after” type of situation.  If you have that and it makes you happy, get that Dick and Dominoes. 

The hardest thing I have realised is the lack of love I have for myself.  Its shown in a lot of my choices.  Also in the efforts I have put into other peoples happiness whilst sacrificing my own. I need to prioritise loving myself first as i’m thinking this is another piece of my being happier puzzle. You only live once. If you are not number 1, you may as well be taking a number 2 all over your life. 

How does one learn to love oneself more? Well google it obviously 🙄A couple of starting points. Positive affirmations - If you can’t say positive and nice things about yourself, why should anybody else.  Keeping a gratitude journal - still not quite sure how this adds to me loving me, but I do like writing down at least a couple of things I am grateful for daily.  My personal favourite - Telling more people to “Fuck off” (Google says “saying no more” but I prefer my version).  Saying yes to everyone’s, every request or demand, leaves less and less time and space in my life for me.  Its my life, why should other peoples needs be taking up so much of it.  All 3 of the above must have contributed something to my I ❤ me party, because not only did I start putting into writing all the kooky madness going on in my bizarre brain, I am now on day 6.👏 

Okay I want to go and lie down now (and i’m pretty sure Lego batman is about to start) soooooo

Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don’t let anybody shit on your rainbow ❤