They say you shouldn’t wish your life away and its true, you never know how long you have left. But I was happier than a hooker with a negative STD test result when it hit 5:30 today.
I literally ran out of work so fast I saw The Flash behind me. This hurricane Katrina weather and February still being a ‘broke from christmas’ month has got me housebound and happy with it. I have my walk to do tomorrow (weather dependent) but if not, Sky has considerately just set up the Lego channel, running back to back Lego cartooons. Between that and the M&S chocolate and hazelnut bar I bought today my weekend is set. Kind of easy to see why I am still single right? Nope, struggling to see it, me too. Seriously though if a guy cannot accept my love of cartoons and chocolate, please send a return to sender address as your application to date me will be denied.
The truth is I had been in back to back long term relationships since I was 21. Even when my last courtship ended I didn’t know how to be on my own, so I kept trying to date so I wouldn’t have to be. After about 18 months of only first dates, It occurred to me that maybe I needed to be on my own, so I stopped dating for 2 years. Then started on and off 2 years ago. What I have come to realise, is that simply stopping dating wasn’t enough. I should have been learning about myself. Learning who I was, what I wanted and more importantly what I deserved. But I didn’t and it has led to what feels like a millennium of being on my own and often feeling wrapped from head to toe in a lonely blanket.
So when I started dating again last year, nothing was really working out. Partially because I didn’t know enough about me or love enough about me, to be dating the right men. Some of the guys I met, turned out to be friends to this day. Some of them turned out to be guys there was just no connection with. Some turned out to be such dickheads you consider calling in a black ops team take them out. Now you will notice I said connection and not spark. I always thought dating had to be all about the spark, all about the fireworks. But I want a relationship not a Bonfire night. Of course you should want to rip someone’s clothes off, but if that's all there is, it may make for a great booty call but probably nothing more meaningful and lasting than that. Let me be as clear as Volvic water, there is nothing wrong with a booty call. Netflix and chill did not fall off the back of a lorry. It was birthed from the “We are just fucking and maybe ordering a pizza after” type of situation. If you have that and it makes you happy, get that Dick and Dominoes.
The hardest thing I have realised is the lack of love I have for myself. Its shown in a lot of my choices. Also in the efforts I have put into other peoples happiness whilst sacrificing my own. I need to prioritise loving myself first as i’m thinking this is another piece of my being happier puzzle. You only live once. If you are not number 1, you may as well be taking a number 2 all over your life.
How does one learn to love oneself more? Well google it obviously 🙄A couple of starting points. Positive affirmations - If you can’t say positive and nice things about yourself, why should anybody else. Keeping a gratitude journal - still not quite sure how this adds to me loving me, but I do like writing down at least a couple of things I am grateful for daily. My personal favourite - Telling more people to “Fuck off” (Google says “saying no more” but I prefer my version). Saying yes to everyone’s, every request or demand, leaves less and less time and space in my life for me. Its my life, why should other peoples needs be taking up so much of it. All 3 of the above must have contributed something to my I ❤ me party, because not only did I start putting into writing all the kooky madness going on in my bizarre brain, I am now on day 6.👏
Okay I want to go and lie down now (and i’m pretty sure Lego batman is about to start) soooooo
Have a great day, remember you are a unicorn and don’t let anybody shit on your rainbow ❤
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